The Stacks

Chapter 25: Forgive Me

Song: "Hard to Say I'm Sorry" by Chicago

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He said her name.

While he was making love to me.

It was powerful. Earth-shattering. Profound.

Until he said her name.

All my breath seemed to have been squeezed out of my chest, but it wasn't because of Harry's weight against me. My body stiffened and his did too - he recognized his mistake immediately. Still, I pushed him off me and got out of bed.

"Regan." His voice was scratchy but full of remorse. I grabbed a bathrobe off the end of the bed and threw it around me. Then I hurried to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. I stared at myself in the mirror - my hair was mussed and my cheeks and chest were flushed. But my eyes were glazing over. I tried not to cry - I knew he didn't mean it. Or did he? Maybe I was just a substitute for her, someone to help him to not feel so lonely.

Did he think about her when we had sex?

The idea made me nauseated, and the alcohol wasn't helping. I turned on the faucet full blast and splashed cold water on my face. I began to feel too hot so I threw the robe off me and sat down on it next to the toilet. I sat there with my head leaned back against the cool tile, my eyes closed. The rush of nausea was subsiding, but I didn't want to move yet.

I heard a soft knock on the bathroom door. "Regan, please open the door, love."

I took a deep breath, trying to steady my voice before I spoke. "Just give me a few minutes, Harry. Okay?"

"Okay," I heard him say, but I didn't hear him walk away.

I finally found the strength to stand up, put the robe back on and open the door. As I had guessed, Harry was standing right there, wearing the other robe and waiting for me.

"I'm so sorry, my sweet," he said, taking a step toward me but I stayed where I was. I thought the tears were gone, but they came back without any warning, causing my chest to heave with deep sobs. He then pulled me into his grasp and I didn't resist. "Oh, baby, I'm so sorry," he said again. "I promise you, I didn't mean to say that. It was just, I don't even understand why I said it. I'm so sorry.  Can you please forgive me."

He held me tightly while my body jerked with sobs. It took a while before I could speak coherently. "I do, Harry. I do forgive you. I don't think you intended to hurt me but it hurt just the same."

"I know," he said, using one hand to hold me against him while he used the other hand to stroke my hair heavily, keeping my head against his chest. "I can't imagine how much."

Finally, my tears ceased and I pulled away, finding kleenex to dry my face and blow my nose. Then I went and climbed into the bed, sitting with my back against the headboard with my knees drawn up to my chest. Harry climbed in next to me and sat pretty much the same way on his side of the bed.

Maybe he was giving me space. I was so confused - did I have a right to be upset? Was this part of the healing process for him and I was just being insensitive? We really hadn't been together that long, but he said he loved me. There was no guidebook for this, and as I'd told him after we first kissed, I didn't know how to be with someone who had already found his soulmate and then lost her.

I  wanted to be his soulmate.

I wanted to be his one and only - I didn't want to share that spot with anyone else. But I knew going into this that I wasn't in that coveted space in his heart and I was okay with that for the time being. But I wasn't okay with that anymore and it just led me to wonder if I was being unreasonable, or if we should have just waited longer before pursuing any type of romantic contact. But it was too late now. I just hoped that eventually I'd be the one at the center of his heart.