The Stacks

Chapter 29: Time to Talk

Song: "Strong" by One Direction

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I was tempted to take Monday off to nurse my wounds, but I'd already missed too many days of work. Besides, I'd be damned if I was going to let anyone upset me enough that I couldn't perform a job that I loved.

But I was still livid. From Sunday night straight through Wednesday, my thoughts were a jumbled mess of confusion, anger, hurt, and humiliation. I couldn't believe Harry had lied to me about meeting the Metlers. I wondered if he honestly wanted me to live up to their expectations, those snooty, self-centered, self-righteous, egotistical snobs! It made no sense - Harry wasn't that way at all. Maybe he really did want to rebel against them - what did he have to lose? Cathryn was gone and he didn't need their money, so he might as well teach them a lesson, right?

But then there was Mr. and Mrs. Metler's barbaric attitude towards me. Did he really not notice or was he just too afraid to stand up to them and defend me?

Everything that Ginger had told me about Cathryn suddenly made sense. Of course Cathryn had been intimidating and dominating - she had been raised by those narcissistic assholes, pardon my French.

Oddly, the words that played through my head most often were Harry's, the ones he uttered just before I walked out. "No one could ever replace Cathryn." Yes, dammit, I knew what he meant - he was speaking to her parents after all. For them, there would never be a replacement for their beloved daughter. And I didn't necessarily want to replace Cathryn, but his words re-awakened my old fear about never quite being enough for Harry.

Was I just a stopgap? Someone to fill the time until he got back on his feet and found someone really worthwhile? My heart told me no, that he was sincere and that he really loved me. But what if he just thought he loved me and didn't recognize the fact that he was using me to soothe his broken heart?

"Aggh!" I shouted to the empty stacks. Ruminating about Harry and everything that went wrong was getting me nowhere. I had to talk to him, I was ready. Sure, I was still angry. Extremely angry. But it was doing me no good to replay everything in my mind over and over and over again.

Technically, I wasn't supposed to make personal calls during work hours. But I was beyond caring as I dialed Harry's number. I grumbled in dismay upon hearing his recording. "Hey, it's Harry. Leave me a message." I hesitated, unsure of whether to say anything. I waited too long and his voicemail beeped at me, seeming satisfied that I had said enough when I had said nothing at all.

I dialed again and this time, I knew what I was going to say. After the beep, I spoke succinctly.  "Hey, it's me. I'm ready to talk. Can I come by your place tonight?" When I hung up, I was frustrated, wanting to call and call and call until he picked up the damn phone, but I refused. I had work to do, after all. I finally forced myself back into the task of re-shelving books, trying to recall a time before Harry Styles had entered my life.

To be honest, much of my anger had dissipated in the time that had passed since Sunday, and especially during the latter half of the day after I'd called Harry. It was still present, to be sure, but now it was a slow simmer on the back burner rather than an out of control wildfire. And I was hurt.

Beth and Gabby had both noticed my foul mood and gave me a wide space in which to do my work. Of course I had filled Beth in with just enough details, but she knew better than to nag me about it. She was familiar with how I operated - I would spill everything when I was ready. Until then, I just had to be alone with my thoughts, no matter how crazy and possibly homicidal they made me.

It didn't matter that Harry didn't call back - I was ready to talk to him so I hopped in my car after work and made my way to his house. As I drove, I tried to analyze my own intentions and clear my head before I engaged him in what was likely to be a volatile discussion.