Dear Diary

Part 9 - Hell Week and Breakdowns

11-30-16

Ok ok yes I know I know. Its been a whole fucking month and I apologize to those who are actually following this for whatever reason.

Looking at you Savannah. For some ungodly reason you want to read about my life. WHY?! You can ask me about it in school if your so interested.

Im not even going to make up an excuse for staying away from this for a whole month other than pure laziness.

But a little update, nothing to details about this past month. Me and Tyler are still going on strong. I found this dubsteb violinist named Lindsey Sterling and SHE IS AMAZING!!! Like, holy shit!! Ash went AWOL for a while then started talking again. He does that. I can only hope that he is taking care of himself when he isnt talking to me.

This next few weeks in Band is known as the Hell Week, even though its two weeks. This Saturday we have a Christmas parade in Flippin, then next week we have not one, not two, but THREE basketball games to go to. Basketball games dont end until about 9:30 at night. Then next Saturday we have ANOTHER Christmas Parade in Bull Shoals. It makes me super glad that Im not a clarinet, because since its a parade, we have to be marching outside, and so it will be cold as hell. Our teacher gave us permission to use gloves but they HAVE to be white, and clarinets have to cut the fingertips off if they want to play because gloves can and will hinder the player from completely blocking the key, which prevents them from playing. Then the Monday following the second Christmas parade, we have our Christmas Concert. Then that week, we have TWO MORE games to go to.

Hell.

Complete and total hell.

But I came here right now to rant.

I again stayed up all night for whatever the fucking reason is, when I could have been using this time to work on some of my classes.

When I realized this, at 4 in the morning, I had a total breakdown. I am failing 2 classes, and almost failing another. I need to get my shit together. Junior year is where Colleges actually start looking for grades.

I say I want to be an editor, because I actually like editing and I dont mind the work that comes with it. I know what I want to do, I know what colleges i want to get into, and I have my life planned out.

BUT

BUT BUT BUT

If I cant even use the time I have been given to do my fucking work instead of messing around on wattpad, (dont worry, I made sure I finished my english before I started this update) then I would get somewhere.

But NOOOOOO

I decide to go on wattpad and read stories, or work on other things that isnt classwork.

I am ashamed of myself. You have no idea how much I truly hate myself. This is the biggest reason why.

I need a really hard slap...

OF REALITY!

I cant get my necessary credits if I dont pass my classes.

Two of the classes im "struggling" in i can catch up so easily its sickening. My math class ill have a lot more trouble in, but I can catch up.

I want to go somewhere in life, I really do.

I say this and that and I mean it, but I dont do anything to go for what I want. Instead, I just choose to be lazy and read.

I dont want to.

I want to do good in life.

This sickens me and makes me hate myself more then I already do.

Why cant I just do my work, pay attention, and turn the work in? Its not hard!! I understand the subjects for the most part! So why am I having difficulty?!

Shit, now I just made myself cry.

Fuck I am such a failure.

I do good for the first half of the nine weeks, then its during the second half that I start slipping. Im actually trying to try this year

Why is it so hard to focus?

Why is it so hard to put the unnecessary things away and to do my fucking work on time.

Ok Im going to go and make myself some breakfast before getting ready of school.

Thanks for listening wattpad.

-Sam