Dear Diary

Part 17 - Sexualities

6-14-17

Ok so this update is going to be me ranting.

I currently identify myself as a demiromantic demisexual.

Demiromantic - someone who only forms a romantic attraction to someone that they have a deep emotional bond with. They generally only form this attraction a few times, if at all. Just because a demiromantic has formed a bond with someone, doesn't always mean that they like them romantically. It just gives the possiblity of a romantic attraction to that person.

Demisexual - someone who only forms a sexual attraction to someone they formed a deep bond with. It's the same with a demiromantic. Just because there is a bond, doesn't mean that they like the person sexually. It just gives the possiblity of that.

These two are what I identify with at the moment. But I'm not sure that they are the correct ones.

I am a virgin, and I haven't been in a serious relationship. The boyfriend I mention in the earlier parts, I didn't feel like it was serious. He may have thought it was, but I didn't feel that. He was a nice guy and all but, he wasn't my One.

These two factors right there are what's mainly what's causing my confusion. I'm a virgin, so I know I have my reservations about having sex. I think I'm claiming demisexual because I don't want to have meaningless sex. But lots of people feel that way. It could just mean that I'm a girl of higher morals about myself or I could just be a romantic about it, and I want to lose my virginity to someone I care about. Which I do. But that doesn't mean I'm demisexual now does it?

I know I feel sexual attraction. I for sure know I do. But I don't feel sexual attraction to anyone in real life. I tried imagining it and it just outright made me go ew. But 99 percent of the books I read are bxb, and they almost always have sex in them. I can't imagine me having sex now unless I'm a guy. Because of that little fact, I would start thinking Am I trans?

The answer to that is no. I know for a fact that I am not a guy mentally, psychologically, or emotionally. I am quite happy as a girl and I don't think I'll be able to give it up for anything.

I don't mind being with a girl or a guy for sure. The sex half I would be hesitant on, but I wouldn't care what gender.

It's pretty much the same dilemma for the romantic half. I want someone to look at me like I'm the only thing in the room, this and that, pretty much the couples you read about and that you ship and whatnot. I want that kind of relationship. But whenever I do have a relationship I could care less. Ok not like that, just let me find the words. I have a hard time paying attention to the other person. I have a hard time even giving what they want, which is attention. When the other person asks if I want to go so.ewhere, I just want to be left alone. I'm actually like that with my friends a bit. When they ask if I want to do something, I'll sometimes lie that I'm busy just so I can just sit and do whatever. Never to Justine though. She's my best friend and I wouldn't deny my beautiful face to her.

So would that just mean that I haven't found my one or does that mean I'm not ready for relationships? See I have no clue about this. What are your guys opinions?

- Sam