I did it. I can't believe I actually did it but I did. And if she ever finds out-she'll kill me. But I had to know. I needed to know where I stood with her, so I read her journal. I have to say, everything in it broke my heart. The day she overdosed-I had left her. She felt alone and completely bared her soul about her abandonment issues and feeling unloved and unwanted. Those two things lie completely on me. Yes, Mick's infidelity exacerbated those things, but when I left her that evening-she couldn't take it anymore and I'm crushed.
I started in the beginning of the journal and I have to say it is a little disappointing that she doesn't even mention me. Not once. Until she saw us that day when the boys raced. More recently, since Will and Gray are friends I've been interspersed more frequently but with my mention I can't help but notice that her life seems to be in more turmoil than ever. She seemed happier and maybe even better off without me in her life. I have to say that it hurts. I never wanted Stevie to belong to anyone but me and well, she does. It's kind of hard to read about her happy life with Mick fucking Fleetwood.
I haven't spoken with her since I left her at the hospital and that's been a few days now. I tried to go back but she had been released and I was told she left with her husband. I've been too afraid to call, I know Mick will not let me anywhere near her, but I've been parked near her house for a while now and Mick just drove away, so I take my chances and exit the car and jog across the street to knock at her door. After a minute or so she pulls open the door and my heart leaps in my chest. She is so fucking beautiful I can't stand it.
"Oh my God Lindsey!" she gasps. "What happened to your face?" she says immediately pulling me in the house.
"Oh, um, well--Mick punched me at the hospital." I concede hanging my head low.
"Ah yes. He didn't tell me the details, but I was informed that you told him of our indiscretion so thank you so very much for that Lindsey. Would you like it if I called Kristen to let her know as well? This is my life you're fucking with Lindsey and you need to remember-you don't own me. I don't belong to you and to claim possession, well that's just not going to work." she says sternly, but she's not truly angry, she's not screaming.
"Shit, I'm sorry Stevie. He just set me off. It won't happen again. Where is he anyway? How much time can I be here?"
"He went to the studio for the day. I don't want you here when the kids get home so we have a couple of hours to talk. I'd say we have quite a bit to talk about, don't you?"
"I think that might be an understatement. Oh, here's your journal. You left it at my place." I say and hand it to her as she eyes me suspiciously.
"Damn it Lindsey. You of all people know better than to read my journal." she says jerking it out of my hands. I can't help but laugh.
"How did you know?"
"I can just tell. I know you, Lindsey."
"How are you feeling?"
"I feel fine. I made a mistake. I had so much on me at once and I didn't know how to handle it and I did the worst thing possible. It won't happen again."
"And everything with Mick?"
"What about it? I'm here aren't I?"she says exasperated.
"Had this discussion one too many times of late?"
"It's just like, just because you say you're sorry and that it won't happen again and that you thought I was doing the same doesn't make it all go away. I mean, except for the one time with you, I've been faithful to him for the last 6 years and to find out he has been cheating for the last 6 years while I'm off working, it's a tough pill to swallow. And I shouldn't have told you all of that." she says and she's starting to close up on me. I scoot closer and take her hand into mine, stroking my thumb over the smooth skin of her hand.
"I'm sure it's really hard Stevie. He has to understand it's all on your terms at this point. It's OK to talk to me. After everything, we can always be friends and talk, right?" I say. The last thing I want is to be Stevie's friend, but I'm not sure either one of us is really ready to make waves in our personal lives. But the desire to be near her is at an all time high and suggesting friendship is the way to go. I'm not going to insult her and suggest an affair, but I do have to say that if she'd let me I'd rip every piece of clothing off of her body right now.
"Maybe. We need to manage to be on good terms for Grayson's sake. We can't pretend that you're not his father anymore Lindsey. We're all going to have to sit down and talk, but I think the four adults need to sit down first."
"I agree. What about Liliana?" I ask, curious.
"I don't know. Mick is the only father she's ever known. At this age, I'm just not sure of the right steps here." she says and then breaks off into thoughts of another discussion. After a few minutes she is getting visibly agitated, I can tell she's overwhelmed and despite the front she putting on, I can tell she's deeply hurt and not exactly sure whether or not to trust me. I pull her into my body to help her calm and press a kiss to the top of her head. She looks up at me for a moment and her eyes are smoldering. I lean in and kiss her and she immediately responds, wrapping her arms around my neck. After a few minutes I pull back.
"Stevie," I gasp, "I need you." She looks thoughtful for a moment and stands up grabbing my hand and I follow her up the stairs.
