Once I told you that I wrote poetry.
You wanted to read it right away. You told me to trust you.
I told you that I wrote a poem about you. I said you could read it someday.
Listen. When my first boyfriend left me, it shattered my heart.
I've never felt as low, or as horrible as I did that day.
I remember screaming into my pillow
it had to be a dream, because he loved me.
I tried to act like I was over him right away
You can't just let yourself hurt
You know?
I started making decisions without thinking about the consequences.
My therapist thinks I was
Subconsciously
Trying to
Destroy
myself
Punishment for not being good enough for a single useless boy
My next boyfriend told me he loved me.
I was supposed to be excited
But this
Existential Dread
set in instead and it rained all day
I left him a week later
That's when I realized how stupid I was being.
I cut myself off from boys until I thought I was ready
I went on a date with a perfectly nice boy
And the whole time I was thinking to myself
It should be You it should be You
That night I broke down sobbing and told you
Hey, man
The feeling is mutual.
When you told me you loved me I acted like I didn't hear it
I was scared out of my mind
(Because I knew I loved you too?)
When I said it back a few weeks later I thought I was going to throw up
Return of the Existential Dread!
Knowing:
One way or another this is going to end
Better hurt him and get out before he can hurt you.
See, since my first boyfriend
I haven't allowed myself to be in a relationship
Where we are
Mutually
In
Capital L Love
I don't think I deserve it. I don't get to be loved back.
After what I did to you, mon amour, I know I don't deserve love.
What I did to you is my biggest regret.
YOU ARE READING
Poésie
PoetryI have a lot of feelings so I write a lot of things. (This anthology contains all of my poems, so anything in any of my other poetry anthologies will also be here.)