Poésie

Pour Mon Amour, Avec Regrette

Once I told you that I wrote poetry.

You wanted to read it right away. You told me to trust you.

I told you that I wrote a poem about you. I said you could read it someday.

Listen. When my first boyfriend left me, it shattered my heart.

I've never felt as low, or as horrible as I did that day.

I remember screaming into my pillow

it had to be a dream, because he loved me.

I tried to act like I was over him right away

You can't just let yourself hurt

You know?

I started making decisions without thinking about the consequences.

My therapist thinks I was

Subconsciously

Trying to

Destroy

myself

Punishment for not being good enough for a single useless boy

My next boyfriend told me he loved me.

I was supposed to be excited

But this

Existential Dread

set in instead and it rained all day

I left him a week later

That's when I realized how stupid I was being.

I cut myself off from boys until I thought I was ready

I went on a date with a perfectly nice boy

And the whole time I was thinking to myself

It should be You it should be You

That night I broke down sobbing and told you

Hey, man

The feeling is mutual.

When you told me you loved me I acted like I didn't hear it

I was scared out of my mind

(Because I knew I loved you too?)

When I said it back a few weeks later I thought I was going to throw up

Return of the Existential Dread!

Knowing:

One way or another this is going to end

Better hurt him and get out before he can hurt you.

See, since my first boyfriend

I haven't allowed myself to be in a relationship

Where we are

Mutually

In

Capital L Love

I don't think I deserve it. I don't get to be loved back.

After what I did to you, mon amour, I know I don't deserve love.

What I did to you is my biggest regret.