Poésie

Ten Things I Wish I Could Tell You

1.) Your lips curve up, then down, then up again from your little cupid's bow in the center like a W. I noticed this one day as you spoke, and ever since that moment every face of every abstract, imaginary person I've drawn has had your mouth. You're taking over my art as well as my mind.

2.) Every word you say is so confident, so sure of yourself, but I know that deep beneath the surface you're insecure. You're insecure about the gaps between your front teeth; I can see it in the way you try to keep your mouth closed when you laugh. You never smile with your teeth if you can help it.

3.) On the subject of insecurity, I have this theory that you work so hard at everything you do out of desire to prove yourself. I know you need to feel wanted and significant and "good enough." You are good enough. You are really and truly enough. You will always be enough for me.

4.) I spend a lot of time thinking about your skin. When we're video chatting and you lay back in your bed, your arms crossed behind your head, the skin running over your muscles and veins and bones looks so smooth and tan. I imagine your shoulders being so warm under my hands.

5.) Each person's personality is a different color or combination of colors in my mind from the very first moment I meet them. My mother is a dark, reddish purple, and my brother is bright orange and electric blue. I have never been able to pinpoint a color that matches you. Each day it changes.

6.) Until I met you, I could never see myself ending up with someone. I could never imagine being in a real, truly serious relationship. On the day I realized that I loved you, I realized that I can imagine growing up and growing old with you. I can imagine living in a white house on a hill in the countryside with three kids and a dog. I can imagine loving you until the day I die.

7.) Sometimes it scares me how reluctant you are to share your fears and insecurities with me. I know as a guy in today's society you're not supposed to be super in touch with your emotions, but I want you to know that I will never judge you, and I will always be here for you to let it out. I want you to tell me about everything from your fears to your dreams.

8.) Last week at summer camp I made you a friendship bracelet. I braided a whole lot of laughter into the woven string–how ironic is it that it's called a friendship bracelet. I don't want to be your friend. I don't want to be giving you friendship bracelets, but I'm too afraid to give you a love bracelet.

9.) Recently I've realized how amazing it is to travel. When I'm far away from you, far away from everyone we know, I can finally talk freely about how I feel. I'm sure it must bother all of my new friends, the way I can talk about you for hours on end–ramble on about every detail, every minute detail of your face.

10.) Lately you've been the subject of my every dream. Every morning I wake up with you on my mind, sometimes in tears, because when I come to and realize that you weren't really kissing me, that you don't love me the way you do in my head, sometime's it's all too much to bear.