Saturn - joshler

Be Safe

The second time the boy visits, is after a dream.

His parents had left for the third night in a row promising they'd be back like always. They'd brought Maddy this time. Her face had contorted into a teasing half smile; not one of pity but of encouragement. One of ' I know you'll make it out. Of all the people in the world it's gonna be you.'

He'd fallen asleep with hope in his bones.

Tyler doesn't usually dream. Songs don't come to him in his sleep, songs of light and people dancing and soft pink sunsets.

Pink like guts and flowers.

So when Tyler wakes up he's surprised to be calm, and to see Joshua again, fingers perched delicately on the railing of his bed like before.

"Hi, Tyler."

"Who are you?" Tyler asks quickly, restraint completely abandoned as he sits up further, clutching at the burning in his hips. "Why are you here?"

Joshua just smiles at him, stepping around the side of the hospital bed and sitting in the green plastic chair. Dark green like forests in the rain. "I told you. I'm Joshua. And I'm here to see you."

Tyler stares at him, taking in his earnest expression. He feels himself being drawn in deeper by something he can't see. How do you tell a boy you've just met that you want to drown in his eyes? Vats of burnt chocolate, dirty oceans, oil spills. Lightning stricken tree branches, mudslides, leveled mountain expanses. He wants to suffocate. "I tried to kill myself."

Joshua only blinks. "Why'd you try to kill yourself?"

"Because there's nothing inside me to give." Tyler finds himself spilling. He doesn't know why he can so easily share these things with someone he's barely glimpsed. He clears his throat, "Because-"

"You don't have to say anything else." Joshua interrupts, his hands softly playing with the halo of the bear he now holds in his lap. "It's okay if you don't know. Sometimes we just don't know."

Tyler nods, bringing his hand up to his throat. He presses his fingertips in lightly. His old therapist had told him it's a coping mechanism. 'You always feel like you're choking. You like to remind yourself your feet are on the ground and there's air in your lungs. You touch, you feel, you're real.'

"Can I call you Josh?" Tyler finds himself asking moments later. His voice is smoother and his throat is clear, now. Not black chalk narrow.

"Yeah." Josh answers. He stands up and reaches into his back pocket, pulling out a pale yellow sticky note. It's folded in half and the thin strip of adhesive looks worn down as if the person who'd written on it had kept the note hidden away for years. Josh sets the note gently on the table. "I'll be back soon. As soon as I can."

Tyler nods quickly, wanting to reach out. Wanting to touch. Instead, when Josh leaves the room again Tyler lunges for the note opening it carefully.

'Be safe. -j'