Church has always been somewhat of a sore spot for Tyler.
He used to love it. He used to find every joy in running through the halls until the adults yelled at him, bouncing on the velvet seats of the pews until they creaked, and especially singing. He loved singing about God and love and everything he believed in.
Now it feels like a vacuum.
What once was faith is now drained energy; a pool of still life.
Something always tugged at his heart whenever he was in the Lord's house. Whenever he did wrong his parents would make sure to hold his cheeks and tell him sweetly that God loves him no matter what. It was something good. Something strong that kept him grounded, held him down, and screamed you have a purpose.
He hadn't felt that way in a long time.
Until Josh came.
He felt good with Josh. Safe. Like every sharp key on his keyboard. Like the sound of rooftop gravel scraping underneath their twisting bodies. Like Josh's laugh. Like falling in love.
He knows he can't have it all.
Sometimes Tyler feels like God just up and left him; other times he feels like God was never there.
So he decides to ask.
Tyler gets out of bed early on a Sunday morning. Less angry; more driven, and showers. He scrubs his body of all the filth that's weighed him down, and dresses. He buttons his shirt with lead fingernails and hopes to god that it'll work.
"Sweetheart?" His mother's voice shrouds him, bitter and harsh.
'She doesn't mean it,' Tyler thinks.
His entire family stands in the entryway, jackets being shrugged on, shoes being tied, and confused looks on normal faces.
"Can I?" Tyler asks, voice trailing off significantly, palms suddenly chalky black and itchy.
His mother looks at him sympathetically. Like everyone did, in the hospital. It makes him feel 20 times smaller. He swims in his shiny black shoes. He notices the purple shade of her skirt matches that of his tie, and the tint of the veins in her arm. "Of course."
•
Tyler doesn't ever know what he deserves.
He sings the songs and chants the praise but does he mean it? Is he allowed?
A woman sits beside him, clad in a floral dress. Pink flowers adorn the curves of her waist and settle soft against her lap. The color twists his insides.
When the people bow their heads Tyler prays for Josh to come back. He squeezes his eyes shut and digs his fingertips into his thighs. He thinks he might start feeling things again if he does.
He tries to feel that once familiar power of God and channel it. The power of believing in something with all your heart. It could help. It could bring his purpose back.
The power never comes. His prayer seems too unconvincing, like he didn't think hard enough. Like it won't make the journey to whoever answers them.
It makes Tyler cry.
Thick tears pour from his eyes as he tries to remember the last time he cried. That last time had been a moment of discovery. A moment he had Josh to hold him through.
His mother alone rushes him out of the service, palm rubbing red hot against his back. The heat licks at his clothes; not enough to burn, but enough to be aware that he didn't belong under her touch.
YOU ARE READING
Saturn - joshler
Fanfiction"Sorry I'm late." The boy says, voice not high but syrupy sweet. He's got pink hair. Pink like guts and flowers. He's beautiful.
