Saturn - joshler

Confessions

Tyler tries to tell himself that it's okay to be scared.

Especially here, in the comfort of his own bed. He listens to the rain pour through his open window, the ledge and seat underneath it drenched. He rubs worry out of his eyes. It's okay to feel scared because at least it's feeling something.

'It's also okay to want to not feel scared,' He thinks. 'You're not brave for feeling scared you're brave for acknowledging it.'

Tyler lays stoic on his bed, laptop open on his stomach. The same start to the same letter stares at him while he stares at the ceiling.

"Sorry I'm late."

A familiar voice sends Tyler's mind reeling, a dam knocked out. Thoughts flowing- although all tranquil- so fast and so suddenly, he thinks he feels them fly out of his ears and down his throat.

There Josh sits, on the windowsill. His hair drips darker, only the tips lay matted soft rose pink to his forehead. He's wearing the same outfit he always wears but it doesn't fit him anymore. It's too bright and positive, when if you were to look at his face you'd see the opposite.

It angers Tyler, but he's too overwhelmed to say so.

"How'd you find me." Tyler whispers, sitting up and knocking his computer to the floor. He doesn't care. Josh is here and in front of him, he's real and beautiful. He doesn't need a letter to say that.

"Your bracelet." Josh replies, tone unconvincing and fingers fidgeting with the hem of his hoodie not daring to pull the hood off. "In the hospital, it had-"

"I remember." Tyler helps, like it hasn't been weeks.

They sit silently. The only sound coming from the rain and the labored whirring of Tyler's computer.

"I'm sorry," Josh says almost too quietly. His voice tries to blend with the sharp tapping of the rain on the windows and the pavement. "I should've-"

"I've been tearing myself apart." Tyler admits, now curled up against the headboard of his bed, arms wrapped long around his knees. He says it like a revelation, like it's all he needed to finally crack. His eyes are shut tight, but not yet teary. "I've been tearing myself apart because I thought I wasn't good enough for you. I don't," Tyler swallows, tears starting to streak down his flushed cheeks. "I don't understand why you left. You just left. Why did you leave me?"

"I couldn't stay, Tyler." Josh stands, walking over to Tyler's bed and sitting. A dark smear against shadowy blue. "I just couldn't stay."

"So you got what you wanted then left." Tyler states more than questions, palms pressed harshly into his eyes then torn away, trembling. "You got your fuck, so you left."

"I fell in love," Josh snaps, face falling. His gaze drops to his lap like he'd just processed what'd come out of his mouth. "But we shouldn't have done that either."

He swallows, once, wringing a hand around his neck. "I'm supposed to protect you from pain and hurt and I can't do that when I'm in love with you. I could hurt you..I wouldn't be able to live with myself If I hurt you-" His expression twists again like it's sinful, him rambling all these awful things. "It's hard to belong in a universe that already belongs to you, Tyler."

Tyler's temper wavers for just a moment before his head is shaking and his voice comes out stalled. "I don't know what that means!" He chokes, he breathes, angry. Angry as he has every right to be. "You tell me the stars are mine and the universe is mine when I don't want any of that. I wantyou."

"Where I'm from," Josh starts, composure as calm as it's ever been although shaky hands reach out to grasp Tyler's own. The subject change is so abrupt Tyler wishes he could ever have the strength to pull away. "We're not allowed to go out and visit friends and family. We're not allowed to make connections. We're only allowed to fix things that are broken, and mend things that need mended. I did that."

He lets a tear fall, it lands, bitter on the back of Tyler's hand.

"I still don't understand." Tyler whispers, head still shaking like he doesn't know how to cease it. "I don't want it- I don't need anything else-"

"I come to you when you need me," Josh answers, clutching Tyler's hands tighter, sending waves of reassurance through his skin and right into the lull of his heartbeat. "But only when you need me. That's the rule I broke."

"I'll always need you." Tyler spits, hands reaching for Josh's jaw, touching lightly. He's furious. He'll always be fucking furious.

"I know," Josh says truthfully to the air between them, cracking a tragic smile. "But I have to go home."

"Please Stay," Tyler panics, immediately tightening his hold on Josh's hands and bringing his face closer to Tyler's own when Josh moves to stand. "Just tonight."

Tyler moves to kiss Josh's lips, once. Twice. Trying to convince him. Trying to convey just how lost he's been. "Please," Tyler whispers, kissing him a third time. "I love you."

"Okay," Josh gives in, laying them both down. "Okay," He says again. He sounds, scared. Like he knows the only thing keeping his head in the sky and feet on the ground are Tyler's hands, light and warm against his skin.

"It's okay to be scared." Tyler whispers again against Josh's throat, pressing another kiss there. He mumbles encouragements like he still has to. Like he isn't the one who needs to be soothed. "It's okay, I love you, please don't be scared."

"I need you to promise that once I'm gone you won't do anything stupid. I need you here, Tyler." Josh wraps his arm tight around Tyler's waist like an answer set in stone. His head settles into a pillow, shoulders trembling with sharp and forceful breaths- shaking, he can't deny it now- while Tyler's rests on his chest. "Promise me."

"Thank you for keeping me safe." Tyler dismisses, because he can't promise anything. He's done making promises he doesn't know he'll keep. His breathing shallows after a few minutes, but he's fighting sleep harder than he's ever fought anything. Not because of the nightmares, but because he knows that this is the last time he'll feel this.

"You're the most beautiful thing that's ever happened to me." Josh confesses, staring slack jawed at the ceiling, as Tyler drifts farther and farther away.