Nostalgy

▶ Variations of Paganini ; Berkovich

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▶ Variations of Paganini ; Berkovich

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Monday , June 21 - 2 0 1 6

I seldom saw Kai yesterday. He wasn't in the rec room, nor in the bedroom; which struck me as odd. Nonetheless, I went with my usual business - sleeping, eating... Sleeping again. My parents were out with The Yoshimotos, off to some boring restaurant perhaps and to be honest I very much enjoyed this peaceful environment. No one hassling me to befriend Kai, no more fake smiles and politeness.

And today, Kai seemed to have left me alone inside the house, not that I mind. But there was something churning inside my stomach when the sun began to set. Kai still hasn't returned and just imagining the murderous look on my mother when she comes back to find Kai missing terrifies me. I decided to go around and search for Kai to bring him back home but then I had no idea where he went. Cursing at him and to myself for not asking him in the morning, I struggled with my jeans. Tying my shoelaces as quick as possible, I went to check with Grace.

"Nope," she frowned, shaking her head. "I haven't seen that handsome lad for days now, baby. Would you like some tea?"

I shook my head politely and gave her my thanks. At this point my stomach was feeling a little off, perhaps I have eaten too much but that rarely happens. Not losing hope, I went around the block, asking people around. All I got were shrugs, heads shaking, and frowns.

Getting a little edgy and despondent, I decided to take a stroll around the park. It was getting dark and I know better to not go alone at night, but it was the time when fireflies would light up the whole place and I wouldn't miss that in the whole world.

Leaning back against the scratchy bark, I waited. Then one by one, the illuminating bugs started to surround me, the tree, the park. I remembered how Jim, Lily, and I would bring our glass jars to capture them. We would let it go because we're not that cold hearted to let them die and I smiled; the memory was sweet.

"It's nice, isn't? "

I froze.

"Yeah," I forced myself to say.

"What are you doing here?"

My heart was weirdly pounding hard against my rib cage. What was it that I was feeling? Anger? Disbelief? Relief?

"To watch the fireflies," I answered, my voice getting all strangled. I was furious at him. Yet I felt relieved he was here - just sitting at the back of the tree. How ignorant of me to not notice.

"Are you okay?"

"No. I'm not, Kai. I was searching for you the whole afternoon and you're just here making casual conversation and it pisses me off." I grabbed a handful of grass and clenched them inside my fist.

He was silent for awhile. "I'm sorry."

"You'd better be. I can't even move my damn legs just to find your sorry ass," I choked.

"Why were you even searching for me in the first place?"

"Because-" I started, then stopped. Because of what? Because I didn't want to suffer my mother's wrath? Because I didn't feel alright with him roaming around the streets alone? I didn't even know the reason why.