Alpha Stone

18- Things aren't going so well

I'm a mess.

Tears stream down my face as I gag, this is horrible. My heart feels like it's breaking as I remember exactly how I was marked. This was never supposed to happen. It was never supposed to be like this.

I gag again, dry heaving as I haven't exactly been eating lately for it all to come out, have I?

I feel the coolness of the tile as my back is sliding down them, this is the only thing I can register other than my surroundings, as I am left unable to breathe but the sobs coming out of me right now.

I stay like this for an age, my tears eventually running dry I've come to the moment where I can't cry any longer. I'm still shaking, my mind not fully accepting the reality of my current situation. I don't want to do this, I don't want to be living in this reality right now.

So I let myself deny it, I let myself think that everything is okay just for now. I sit down the voice at the back of my head asking me What now? How do we move on from this? Because in order to move on you need to accept, and accepting means acknowledging and acknowledging means thinking about the problem and then a solution.

And thinking about the problem means facing the problem and quite frankly, I don't want to do that right about now. Right now, in my head there is no problem. So I am simply going to walk out of here, find my children and lay with them like everything is okay.

***

The thing about ignoring your problems is that it only makes it harder to face them whenever you have to face them and even though it was only the morning of the night before I discovered my problem, things had already gotten exponentially harder.

As of right now, I lay in my sons bed, with his small frame curled into me as the light of the sunrise slowly lit the room up. I did sleep, not for very long but it gave me a respite from my brain and that thing it tends to do too much whenever I want to forget something. You know, that traiterous thing called : (over)thinking about the bloody problem.

That thing.

Denial is good. It's fun. It's somewhat safe, you don't have to push yourself into uncomfortable situations to do things you don't have to.

But it leaves in a certain state that you don't really get anywhere in, denial is apart of moving on according to the stages of grief ... I think. What do I want to do now?

As soon as I think that, my heart aches. I sigh as I tear up, do I really want life to be like this? Where I spend my days as an emotional mess, that's not fair to me or to my children. I don't want this.

But at as soon as I think of what happened the pain in my chest is too immense, too much for me to deal with. My heart hurts, feeling as if it has been ripped apart. My mate, the one protector, partner in my life forced my his mark on me. I can't deal.

I don't want to deal.

This goes beyond a betrayal of trust.

I know for many having a mate that of someone who you know and has physical proof that she has been with someone else is hard. I know this, even though Theo has also done the same too. The standard is different for men. Oddly enough.

The werewolf community while having progessed in terms of womens rights still lags behind considerably.

Just for one moment I thought....

Was it wrong of me to expect more from my mate?

....Things would be different.

Better.

Different.

I'm finding it really hard not to bunch up all men into one category, you know the one where all of them are horrible. Deep down past all the pain I know that's not true, I know so many amazing men out there.

I just seem to have the worst luck, in terms of finding them.

Or as is often the case, of them finding me.

Running a hand through my hair, I sigh unsure of what to do now. Every time I thought of anything remotely to do with The Event That Has Changed My Life I feel as if I'm being torn apart inside out.

Like now.

I turn instead to the small bundle beside me, and he snuggles closer mumbling incohereantly from his dream. This was what my life was about now and this is how I should keep it.

Children, while annoying at times were perfectly good at destraction.

All I needed was to focus on them.

And them alone.

Ignorance is bliss for a reason, after all.

It may not be the solution to my problems but for now, it is more than good enough.

***

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