Phan One Shots

It's Time To Say Goodbye

Dear Dan,

I've had enough. I've had enough of you, of your attitude, of your personal issues, and of this relationship. I'm tired of you treating me like a piece of shit who deserves nothing beautiful in this world. I fucking hate myself but even then do I know that I deserve better than you. I can't sit here and tell you that I don't love you and that this isn't hurting me because it is. I'm so devastated with what I'm doing right now but it's for the best. Our relationship was never perfect but at least then, you were a bit more loving towards me. Still, only when we were alone. If I showed any sort of affection towards you in public you would glare at me as if to say to stop or else. It always killed me inside; the way you treated me out in public. I'm not sure if it was me and you were embarrassed to be seen with me. Maybe it was the fact that we were both men and you thought of it as a bit weird. That's what I thought in the beginning when you would push me away. I wanted to respect you and your sake of being comfortable. I was just grateful to call you my boyfriend and have some alone time when we got home but after a while I was starting to get frustrated with not being able to hold your hand while we walked down the street. I was frustrated that you wouldn't let any of your friends, or mine, know that we were dating. I was so fucking frustrated with not being able to kiss you or hold your hand without you pushing me away. You seemed to decide when or when not to act like a couple. I'm just frustrated that we couldn't have a normal relationship; if that's even what I'm ok to call it. I truly hope you don't hate me for "giving up" on "us" because I tried. I tried, for many months, to be happy with you and feel loved but I know you didn't really love me because if you did you would want to show me off to everyone, just like I wanted to. I wanted to scream it out from the top of my lungs and let everyone know that Dan Howell, the most gorgeous man on this earth, was mine; all mine to keep.
I just started crying thinking about this situation. You're currently sleeping while I'm in the living room with my bags packed, writing this letter. I know it's low of me to leave a note and tell you "hey I'm breaking up with you and I'm leaving without you noticing" but I don't want to face you. I don't want to face your reaction whether for good or for worse. See, it can go bad in two ways. First, if you actually care, I don't want to see your pained expression and tears when I tell you that I'm leaving you. Second, if you don't care, I don't want to see your careless reaction to this because that will completely tear me apart. I don't want to notice first hand the feeling of not being cared for.
I'm sorry if I did something wrong or if I was just not good enough for you. I truly appreciate you sticking by my side throughout these past months and not leaving me, even if you wanted to. Because at least for a bit, I felt happiness. I love you so fucking much and don't dare think or feel that I didn't. I searched for myself all over the place and only seemed to find it when I was with you, starring deeply into your eyes. I love you, but I'm sorry.

Sincerely,
Phil.

I folded the paper and left besides his nightstand and walked out of the house.

"It's time to say goodbye." I whispered to myself as I drove away while tears streamed down my face.