I think there are lot of qoutes about self-forgiveness, self worth, moving on stuff like how you always care for someone but they don't care back, how people can't seem to forgive one mistake. But what if the mistake is too big to be forgiven, what if i am the bad person, what if it is 'even i wouldn't have forgiven myself' type of mistake? What if I know the other person has right to ignore me and I deserved to be left after this? What if no matter how much i ask for forgiveness, deep down i know it would be plain stupidity if i am forgiven after such a deed. What if i am too nice to bring myself to be selfish and ignorant? And no matter how much I try I can't explain anything to them because I am guilty? What if I never get to heard that 'i forgive you' I am desperately yearning to hear? How am I supposed to deal with anguish rising within me, getting stronger and stronger as the clock ticks by? How am I supposed to stop myself from going insane by thinking again and again about what i did, what they did and how wrong I was, yet the punishment they chose is still small for what i did? What am I supposed to do? What should I do to stop this agony, stop the anxiety of seeing them tomorrow and facing their back? Will i be able to handle it? What is the point of being nice if i am going to end up hurting someone dear to me and disappoint my supporters? What is this feeling? I can't seem to get it? It's guilt without too much of regret, it's certainty of separation with hope of staying together, it's desire for forgiveness yet knowing the deed was unforgivable, it's gratefulness that they know why i did that but being unappreciative that why do they understand it because it would have been easier if they didn't, it's waiting for their reply understanding why they aren't texting back. It is insanity i don't enjoy yet can't seem to leave it.
