HIM

Chapter Twenty-Two

We were at BJ's and me and Shak were sitting at a different table than my mom and Troy. I didn't want to mess up the vibe they had going so me and Shak got another table and were waiting on Mani to come so we can order and talk about this.

"How you feeling?" Shak asked. I honestly didn't know how to feel.

"I feel like I'm in the middle of  a bad dream and I can't wake up from it." I said shaking my head.

Remember when I said my past wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. Well Philip is a part of that past. He's one of the main reasons why I lost my confidence and at some point hope.

It was freshman year. I was the naive fat girl who knew nothing about anything. I didn't think that my first year would be as horrible as it was and I didn't think my first heart break would be as bad as it was.

Philip Jackson was what people in cliche stories call the most popular guy. You know the cute boy that everyone wants to be friends with,  all the girls crush on him, you hear about him a million times everyday, he most likely plays a sport and even if he doesn't he's always at the games, it's a plus if he's smart, and he usually has stupid friends. Well Philip was that. He was at the top of the cutest boy category, and he was at the top of the popularity chain, whereas I was understandably at the bottom because I was a freshman. He played football and basketball, and he kept his grades up, surprisingly. When I was a freshman, Philip was a Junior. I know, crazy. But at the time I thought that it was OK, because I knew of seniors going out with freshman's. 

I liked Philip. Not just because he was cute and popular, but because he had manners or so I thought, and because he didn't treat me like a freshman whenever we came in contact. He made me feel like I belonged. It started as a friendship, and at some point it blossomed into a relationship. Of course I was happy I was going out with thee Philip Jackson. During that time Shak was messing around with Omar Williams, he was a cute senior who lived his life on the DL if you know what I mean. I would always tell Shak that Omar was no good, one because he was a senior messing around with a freshman, and because he never owned up to what he was. I guess I should've been paying more attention to my "boyfriend" at that time instead of worrying about Shakur and Omar. When the end of the year came around Philip started acting different. Maybe a little distant too. When I asked him what was going on he always changed the subject and it would make me mad because I knew he was lying. The last time I confronted him, he blew up about it and left my house. To sum up the story, weeks later I found out he was cheating on me with a junior and that our relationship was just a joke. He was dared to go out with me for most of the year then break up with me at the end of the year. His words being...

'who in their right mind would willingly go out with a fat and ugly freshman who's not giving up the ass. Sorry, but it's over'.

That day was so embarrassing and depressing. Later on it was understood that him going out with me was a bet. A big ass joke. Something everyone can laugh at. And I got laughed at by most of the upper classmen, which if you think about was about 75% of the school because I was just a freshmen. Some people felt bad for me, some people wanted to become my friend, some had sympathy, and other people just didn't care about the situation all together. The thing I cared about the most was the fact that he called me fat and ugly. That took my confidence to an all time low. My mom couldn't find any way to build me up. Mani and Shak couldn't. I was just a mess. It didn't help that I had to go another year with seeing him at school. Thank God he graduated and went out of state to college. Now a year and some months later he's back talking about he needs to talk.

The whole relationship really fucked me up cause I thought I loved him, but what did I really know about love in the 9th grade......Right, abso-fucking-lutely nothing. Every time I think about Philip and the shit he put me through, I get that depressing feeling then I think of things that make me happy. Every time I think about him, I think about how he laughed in my face after degrading me in front of some of the school, I think about the fact that he never even liked me and to think that I loved him. What a joke.

"Hey guys. I came as fast as I can." Mani said running up to the table and scooting into the booth.

"Thank God cause I don't know what to do." Shak said. I felt bad for him because he's stressing out about my situation, but this also kind of put a burden on his life a little. Not just because I'm his best friend, but at that time he was also going through stuff with Omar. When Omar graduated he broke up with Shak and got a girlfriend like right after. He also went out of state for college. Actually him and Philip went to the same college. Word travels through the grapevine fast and they pop up on my explorer timeline on Instagram. Its kind of annoying sometimes.

"Well if he's back does that mean that Omar's back too?" I asked him.

"I don't know. I hope not cause Shawn would kill Omar if any of this comes back up that's why we need to tell them what's happened and what's going on. Cause I refuse to get my ass beat cause I didn't share this important information with my crazy ass boyfriend." Shak said rubbing his forehead. 

"So are you going to talk to him?" Mani asked. Me and Shak looked at her like she took her brain out of her head and dropped it on the floor. 

"I don't plan on it. What do we need to talk for. He said what he had to say 4 years ago. We can leave that there." I said folding my arms.

"So you don't want any kind of closure on the situation?" She asked.

"The only time someone get's closure is if they were actually in a relationship and they don't know why they got dumped. I know why I got dumped, and let's be honest we weren't even really in a relationship." I said shrugging my shoulders.

"Well." Shak said sitting back.

"I can honestly say he's one of those people I don't mind never seeing again." I said.

"I can't believe he's back. I just wanna know what he needs to talk about." Armani said making a thinking face.

"He probably gone be on some I miss you bullshit. He gone come trynna get her back cause her glow up was real as fuck. But guess what he can't have her cause she already taken. And I wish Omar's ass would come on some bullshit." Shak said. 

"You do have a point." Mani said.

"Look at the end of the day I don't want to talk to him, and I don't want to talk about him." I said looking at my menu ready to order.

"You still need to tell Chasen Angel." Shak said picking up his menu too. And I just nodded my head.

After ordering and eating I was in a better mood than I was when Shak called me. Even though I was saying I didn't want to talk to him, I did want to know what he wanted to talk to me about all of a sudden. Especially after everything that happened.