the monsters under my bed were never there
i believed there were demons that lurked
just outside my house
my mom told me once that
she worried my brightness would attract
the dark things that come at midnight
i wonder now if they still lurk out there
or did they find a home in my chest?
i never saw the brightness
my mom spoke of
i am the ghost of the ideals and illusions
that everyone i know has created
i struggle to decide
whether i am good or bad
maybe i'm neither
but the thought of my soul
being something darker
or brighter than i ever fathomed
chills me to the bone
what if i never figure out who i am
what if i'm always scared of who
i might be
i used to run from the darkness
the light was my friend and i found
comfort in being able to see
what might be hiding in the dark
now i ask the darkness to conceal me
please don't look
not because i'm scared of you
but because i'm scared of me
the light hurts my eyes
it pours into my mouth and
makes my insides burn
every time i speak
my throat closes because otherwise
the flames would escape my insides
and i'd engulf the ones i love in fire
what if i speak
what if i let the flames out
and uncensor my thoughts
i keep walking
the road is clouded with fog
i keep walking but i don't know
where i'm going
and nobody's willing to guide me
i leant someone my flashlight
and they went on ahead
they said they'd give it back to me
once i make it to the end of the road
but i don't know where i'm going
and all the streetlights are broken
and i don't think i'll make it to the end
i saw myself making it there
to the end of the road
i imagined a world of possibilities
and beauty
where i'd buy my own house and
discover what my meaning here is
i imagined myself happy in a garden
with flowers of every hue
living under the bluest sky i'd ever see
wearing a white dress
what if the road continues forever
and there is no beautiful world
waiting for me at the end
i struggle to say i love you and mean it
those words carry weight
that people take lightly now
they say it offhandedly
without meaning what they say
what people have shown me is not love
and if it is, then
i want nothing to do with it
while i crave the warmth of another
human being's care
i fear the connotations
seeking comfort in them
would bring
what if i get used to this eternal winter
what if spring never comes
what if i'm left alone in the cold
what if i'm left alone
what if i'm left alone
what if i'm left alone
what if my heart never beats with another?
DU LIEST GERADE
one day
Poetrymaybe one day it'll all work out like it does in the books. TW: depression, suicide, self-harm DRAWING BY Walktheline
