i can't describe in words
the way i felt when you left me
it was a quiet escape
we were never ones for theatrics
i wonder if that's my biggest flaw
i suffer quietly
i swallow my words with you
and sometimes even i wonder
if i'm even alive
i wonder if i'm like a walking corpse
with no emotion, no spontaneity, no excitement
i didn't struggle when you left
when you stopped talking to me
i didn't reach out
the truth?
i'm a coward
i feared you'd hate me
i'd become one of those people
who filled you with dread
at the mention of their name
i'd rather be a long lost memory
than a scorned piece of your past
so i let you leave
i let you go
i gave up
and i'd look at old photos of us
i was only torturing myself, really
i couldn't mistake the aching
in my chest
i wanted to go back
i wanted to be the person
the friend you loved
i wanted things to be the way they were
when we'd laugh and it'd be so fiercely carefree
i never wanted to leave your side
towards the end, it felt like we were underwater
struggling against the tides
wading in the water, our limbs immobile
a sheer effort to meet each other
amidst that vast ocean
when i think about it,
maybe we were both tired
trying to run in water is so exhausting
but as i looked at those photos,
as i thought of the times
the nights
where i talked my heart out
where we exposed our sadness
but shared our joy and created moments
filled with laughter and serenity
those days where you listened to me
more sincerely than anyone ever has before
the nights where we painted and watched movies
where we drank tea and made ice cream
where we talked about environment
fictionlifeanimalspeopleart
and everything in between
i realized that you were my lifesaver
that's why i waded in that ocean
and struggled so much against that current
it's because you were going to anchor me to safety
in time, i thought maybe we were both better off
i thought i could forget about you
but friends come and friends go
i can report that none of them
not a single one
stuck around as long as you did
i hold grudges
i don't forgive and i don't forget
that's how i've always thought of myself
but when you reached out again
when i realized those words were yours
after all this time,
you still thought about me
the way i still thought about you
i could breathe again
it was then i realized
i'd been holding my breath this whole time
DU LIEST GERADE
one day
Poetrymaybe one day it'll all work out like it does in the books. TW: depression, suicide, self-harm DRAWING BY Walktheline
