one day

photos

i look at the pictures i have of you
of us
and i want to delete them
so many times
has my finger hovered over that button
with one click, i'd no longer have
to be reminded of what used to be
no longer would i feel that
pang of nostalgia

but i can never do it

because you are so much more
than the bitter
sad, and simmering anger

that i feel when i first
glimpse at those photos

you brought me happiness
and we offered each other

warmth and guidance

because yes

i still get angry

over the way you left me behind
but i still remember
the way we laughed
over our cups of hot tea

on those cold winter nights

i remember how
you comforted me
on that day that i came
to your house unannounced,
crying for the first time

(in front of you)

and you asked no questions
you curled up in a blanket with me
i remember your words of encouragement
when i doubted myself
i remember when we baked together
i remember the way you smiled
at me and at everyone
despite all the hell you'd gone through
i remember our late-night talks
i remember us
talking about old times
and new times
how we'd been doing

we had so much to say to each other

a day apart
felt like an eternity

like a ship that had left
dock on an 8-month journey
and without its anchor,
the journey felt long and hard

i remember us telling each other
you are my saving grace

in the midst of all the chaos
how we stayed grounded
because we had each other
i remember when we loved each other
i remember when we danced together

i remember
i remember
i remember

and all these feelings
they rise up in me
               and i realize
i'm not angry at you

i don't think
things can ever go back
to the way they were before
because we messed up
too many times
and ultimately,
we are both
so young
and too scattered
to provide stability for one another

i'm angry over what we lost
over what I lost
over what could've been

over the unkept promises
how we never will go on that roadtrip
how we won't share a house together

and perhaps you'll forget about me
i'll forget about you

i think what hurts me the most
is that now

i don't feel these feelings

these moments
that warmth
that encouragement
those smiles
the movies
the cups of tea
the homemade pancakes on a bright early morning
the feeling of grass between our toes
as we looked over your garden
the raindrops falling on our heads

i won't feel these things
with you
    anymore