Chasing Possibilities

12 - Of Rebuilding Old Relationships and Building New Ones

Confessions are double-edged swords. Especially the painful truths. They give you the relief you need but hurt you so bad, all at the same time.

That was partly why I hated confrontations because there could only be two outcomes: Questions answered or more questions came up. What happened to me was the latter. I never intended to confront Bryce. It just sort of happened. Actually, ever since Bryce came back, a lot had happened which I had absolutely no control of. And that was pretty much why I hated seeing him again. Because I lost control. Of my feelings. Of myself. Of logic. Of everything. It was just pure chaos.

Last night's events seemed to come out of a dream — or more like a nightmare. After the talk with Bryce, I just lost it. My mind was everywhere but at work. Flashback after flashback of what happened years ago kept appearing in my mind's eye. The young Bryce who was the joy of my life. The teenager Bryce who kept on shattering my heart over and over. Everything sweet and painful about Bryce just kept popping up in front of me until I totally lost control of my surging tears. I broke down. And the worst part was, I was still at work. I was a total disaster.

My only consolation was, I could finally get over my grudge on Bryce. Though his confession opened more questions, at least I finally had closure with what happened. I finally knew what went wrong. It wasn't my fault. I could let go of the fallen friendship. I could finally set my hard and bitter feelings free. No more moping around for what couldn't be undone. I could finally close that chapter of my life and look forward to another one. It was time. To heal.

Honestly, deep down inside I was glad Bryce and I finally had the chance to talk. It was actually long overdue. We should have done it long ago. If I wasn't too chicken and too overwhelmed with hurt to face him, we could have fixed things. Forgave and forgot what should have been forgiven and forgotten. We could have rebuilt the friendship. Things would have cleared up and it wouldn't have taken me this long to release the pain. Most of all, we could have had the chance. To be together. We could have been honest with each other and fought through our fears. Our fear of losing each other, which was exactly what happened between us.

After everything that happened, I regretted a lot of things. My stubbornness, pessimism, and self-pity. If I hadn't been too stubborn to swallow my wounded ego and confront Bryce back when I had the chance in high school, I wouldn't have imprisoned myself in hatred and pain. I wouldn't have been the aloof, eccentric, scared loner who put up a wall around me. I would have been a happier version of myself. If only.

My vibrating phone cut through my train of thought. I checked it and my heart raced as I laid eyes on what was written on the screen. Rye.

I hadn't received a single message from him ever since Bryce told me they were one and the same person. With shaky hands, I opened his message.

Bryce: Hey Haeley

His message sent so much more than a greeting. It felt like he was trying to convey something other than a simple greeting. More like, I heard his apologies and regrets with those two words.

Me: hey

I wasn't even sure if that response was appropriate or not. All I knew was that even through text, he still had the ability to completely make me speechless.

Bryce: I know I keep asking you this. And you're probably tired of hearing it. But – can we talk? Before your shift? During your break? After your shift? Whenever you're available?

I was taken aback by his straightforwardness. If anything never changed ever since our talk last night, I guess this was it. His straightforward and no-nonsense attitude which I still couldn't decide if I liked or not.