"Gaano ka sakit?"
This was her first question to me. I wanted to ignore her question, I wanted to tell her how bullshit she is for even asking me that question because of all people she knows this best. But we made a deal. No more secrets. No more locked up thoughts. And more especially, I need to finally open this up to her.
"Masakit." matipid kong sagot. "Masakit talaga."
"On a scale of 1 to 10?" She asked me again.
"10." I firmly answered. "18 if that's even possible."
"Ano bang nangyare?" she asked me. "All I know is that you guys just suddenly broke up at pag katapos nito ay it seemed like nothing ever happened between the two of you."
"Because whatever happened, hindi na kelangan pagusapan pang muli."
"Kaya hindi ka maka move on eh."
"Naka move on na ako diba?" napa taas yung boses ko. It's obvious na medyo naging defensive ako. "Tayo na nga eh. Ano pang pag mo-move on ang gusto mong gawin ko?"
Right now we're sitting in our coffee table in our own condo unit. Just the two of us. No external noises could be heard. Kaya naman pag walang nag sasalita sa aming dalawa, the silence is almost defeaning. And it is painful.
"Tang ina, kaya mo ba ako linigawan para maka move on ka?" now its her voice which went up. "O linigawan mo ako kasi mahal mo ako?"
I tried to hold her hand for a second. But I let go of it immediately.
"Mahal kita." I could feel that I just forced those words out of me. But I needed to do it. She needs to hear that.
"Anong nangyare?" she asked me again. "It's been a year and still I have no idea what ever happened between the two of you."
I sighed knowing that there's no escape to this. Nag agree ako sakanya na ikwekwento ko na ang lahat sakanya. I love her. I really do, so now I am doing this for her. Even though deep inside I know talking about this could kill me.
"Ano pa bang gusto mong malaman?" tanong ko sakanya. "Ask me tapos sasagutin ko."
"Who ended your relationship?"
"Siya."
"Really?"
"Oo." I answered. "Never ko namang inisip na tapusin kung anong meron sa amin eh."
"So bakit nga nag end?" she is persistent of her questions. "Ano bang nangyare? I know you both for so long and never did I expect that you guys would just end up like that."
"Because somehow bigla nalang nag bago ang lahat." I answered her. "Yung bang sa tinagal namin ang buong akala ko ay hindi na kami magkakaroon ng problemang hindi namin kayang masolusyonan, bullshit lang pala iyon."
"5 years kayo diba?" tanong niya sa akin.
"5 years and 9 months." Sagot ko naman. "But the last three months." I had to pause for some seconds. "To hell with those three months. Puro nalang away, misunderstandings, maliit na mga bagay laging lumalaki."
"Eh bakit hindi pa kayo nag break that time?"
"How could we?" natanong ko sakanya. "Masyado kaming in love sa isa't-isa. Ano naman yung mga simpleng away na yun para mag hiwalay kami?"
"But you did." sabi naman niya. "You still broke up. Your relationship ended."
Fuck this.
Isang taon na ang nakalipas, and true enough this is the very first time that I get to talk about this with another human being. Tinago ko ito sa sarili ko for a whole year. And it made me miserable.
