i wasn't necessarily uncomfortable,
but i'm sure everyone noticed i was a bit off.
i hadn't been around that many people
in a long time,
and soon,
i was tired of putting on
a fake, worn out smile,
and talking about things
that i didn't care about.
and it wasn't anyone's fault.
i didn't blame anyone for
my attitude
or my feelings.
the emptiness in my eyes,
the numbness of my words,
the aching of my chest--
it was all self-inflicted.
i went to sit on the hood of my car
for just a couple moments,
so i could break away from the gossip,
and maybe try to compose my thoughts.
my alone time was short lived,
seeing as levi hopped on the hood next to me,
a hamburger in one hand and a coke in the other.
"did you eat yet? they started giving out food,"
he asked before taking a bite.
"no, i'm not really hungry,"
i told him.
he chuckled.
"should've guessed it."
i furrowed my eyebrows,
before stealing a sip of his soda.
"what's that supposed to mean?"
he gave me a mean look after i put the can down.
"well, you're acting all mopey,
and you don't seem to want to do anything,"
he said.
"very true.
but you failed to mention that
i never wanted to be here in the first place,"
i replied, smiling.
he sighed, making sure to be overly loud.
"fine, if you want to leave now,
just go.
i won't force you to stay."
i would have liked to leave--
but i didn't think escaping the parking lot
would help me escape the torment.
it hovered like rain clouds
and weighed like steel chains,
wherever i went,
and wherever i would go.
"honestly, i feel better now,
since i'm away from all the girls.
i can do without the constant gossip
and boy talk,"
i admitted.
"oh, you and me both,"
he said jokingly.
i let myself laugh at that.
levi took another bite of his burger,
and looked back into my windshield.
"so, this is the new ride millie was talking about?"
he questioned.
i nodded.
he turned back around.
"wow, you must have your dad
wrapped around your little finger
if he got you this."
not exactly.
my dad, no matter how hard he tried to fight it,
was disconnected.
he never acted the same
after asher died.
i knew he tried,
oh, he tried so hard,
to be the dad he used to be.
he used to be at every game,
every birthday,
every holiday--
he used to be happy.
and i got why he changed.
i got why he was different.
but instead of mending our broken relationship
by talking to me,
by spending time with me,
he worked more,
he bought more,
believing presents would fill the void.
maybe he just thought that was easier,
or maybe he was afraid;
afraid to be happy,
afraid to go back to normal,
when his son was gone,
gone too soon.
so my dad got me a new jeep,
the one i always wanted,
thinking a car
could heal the hurt
in my heart.
sadly,
he thought wrong.
//a.n. please yell at me for taking so long to update
i'm not even going to make excuses
random question: favorite brand of clothing? //
