Crazy Love

Chapter 6: Stop Scaring Me

After Andy left my breathing became heavier and my heartrate sped up. I sat on my bed with my head in my hands. I felt my palms get wet and realized I was crying. Why was I crying? Old feelings started to come back and I felt useless. I felt like I didn't belong on Earth, I felt like a mistake, and I started taking deep, shaky breaths and I felt like I was drowning. The thought that Andy, the one person who made me feel okay, was dating Trenton, the worst person on Earth, caused me to have a panick attack. She probably doesn't even know what he did to me or how he treats me. 

Thoughts ran through my mind and my head began to ache. I could hardly see anything through my teary eyes. What if Trenton made her talk to me? What if she's just pretending and then one day Trenton will come up to me and say it was all a joke?  I started shaking, crying harder, pulling at my hair, running out of breath, and hearing voices run through my head. 

'She'd never like you.'

'Loser'

'Faggot'

'You would've been better off dead'

'Nobody would've cared if you died'

Every statement that I heard in my head made everything worse. I flew my hands across my desk in anger knocking everthing off. My lamp crashed to the floor and the light bulb broke. I wanted the voices to stop. They needed to go away but I didn't know how to make them stop. I covered my ears and pulled at my hair. 

"STOP!" I shouted. "GET OUT OF MY HEAD!" 

I grabbed a piece of the broken lightbulb and ran into the bathroom and turned the shower on. I walked right into the water fully clothes and just let the soothing water run over my shaking body. I slid down the shower wall and just sat there drench. My breathing was calming down but still shaky. I soon couldn't tell the difference between my tears and the water droplets falling from my eyelashes. I held onto the broken lightbulb piece tightly and brought it up to the skin on my forearm. I was never the type for selfharm but I needed something to relieve what I was feeling. I slowly placed it over my pale skin and pressed down. 

"Riley?" I heard softly from outside the bathroom door. "Riley, are you in there? Answer me."

It was Connor but I ignored him. I went back to focusing on the broken piece of lightbulb and my forearm. I dragged the lightbulb across my skin and small drops of blood started to peep out from my skin. 

"RILEY! OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!" Connor's tone increased quickly. His voice had a tone to it that was filled with anger and fear. "RILEY! PLEASE!" He was begging now and my mind went back to how his eyes looked in my dream when he saw my body hanging in the locker room. "RILEY!" He yelled one last time before bursting through the door. 

I was still sat in the shower with the broken lightbulb held against my forearm. Connor stepped into the shower with me, took the broken lightbulb from my hand, and grabbed both my arms. He held them tightly and stared at me. I looked back at his sad blue eyes as the water began to soak him aswell. He let go of my one arm to turn the water off. 

"What are you doing?" He asked me as calm as he could. I didn't answer I just looked down at my bleeding arm. The blood ran down my arm and onto Connor's thumbs. He didn't seem to care he was just staring at me waiting for answers. "Why?"

"I'm sorry." Was all I could say.

"Sorry? Don't be sorry. Just tell me why you did this?" 

"I was having a panick attack." 

"What? You haven't had a panick attack since you got out of therapy." He said concerned and confused.

"I know and please don't tell mom or dad. I don't want to go back there." I told him and he was hesitant at first but then agreed not to tell our parents. 

Connor stood up and helped me off the floor of the shower. We both stepped out and he grabbed a towel and some guaze from the medicine cabinet. I sat down on the toilet and he wrapped my arm up in guaze and then walked with me to my room. 

"Riley, please, if you're ever feeling the way you used to or if you ever think you're going to have an attack, just come talk to me, please! Stop scaring me!" Connor told me while walking out of my closet with a fresh, dry set of clothes. 

I sat there silent, nodded, and took the clothes. 

"Get some sleep. Goodnight, Ri." Connor said and left the room still with hurt in his eyes.