"How was your exam, love?" Jacob asks softly, nuzzling against Troye's hair.
"Alright, it was the easy one," Troye replies, breathing in Jacob's smell.
"And how are you feeling?"
Troye opens his mouth, and he's point five of a second away from telling Jacob he's fine, but Jacob pulls back and looks him in the eyes. It only takes one look and Troye is brought straight back to that night, two weeks ago, when Jacob saw the self inflicted scratches and bruises, marring his stomach and his hips. The memory is still painfully fresh in Troye' mind, he can still feel the knot he got in his chest when Jacob crumpled in front of him.
~
"It's just a bad habit, Jacob," Troye had whimpered, "I really was fine, it's just a bad habit."
Jacob had shaken his head and backed away, dropping down onto the closed toilet lid like a sack of bricks, "I'm such a fucking idiot," he had groaned, "I'm so fucking stupid!"
"You're not, Jacob! Don't say that," Troye protested.
"I look in your eyes, and every single day you look like you're fucking drowning! And I keep thinking I'm getting you into the lifeboat, I keep thinking I can bring you to shore; but you're in the middle of the fucking ocean, and I can't even fucking get close to you!"
"Jacob-"
"Don't Troye! Stop lying to me! Please, I am literally begging you," Troye's breath had hitched in his throat when Jacob sank off the toilet, and down to his knees in front of him, "Please stop lying to me! I can't fucking do this if you're going to act fine, when you're clearly not!"
Troye had forced himself not to flinch away from Jacob's hands holding onto his hips, "if I- if I tell you what I'm really feeling you'll- you're going to leave either way!"
Jacob's eyes were pleading when he looked up at Troye, "I've told you a million times, I'm not going anywhere! But I can't- I can't keep doing this if you're going to lie to me, and hide things from me! I can handle it if you feel like shit, I can handle it if you're pissed off. You don't have to act okay for me! But I can't handle you lying to me! This is never going to work if you keep shutting me out!"
The hairs on the back of Troye's neck had bristled, and his instant reflex was to throw Jacob's hands off of him. To scream in Jacob's face that he should just go then, because they were never meant to work out anyway. Except he didn't. He didn't push Jacob away, and he didn't raise his voice. Jacob had looked up at him, from his knees on the floor, his eyes searching Troye's face.
"Okay," Troye sighed.
Jacob had groaned, low and guttural, "see! You don't even give a shit! You don't care if I'm telling you that we won't work out if you lie, because you don't care if we work out!"
"No," Troye said quietly, "I'm saying okay to- to the things you said before."
Jacob's face had twisted in confusion, "what things?"
"I'm saying okay, I'll stop lying, I'll stop hiding. I'll tell you when I feel like shit, and I'll tell you when I'm dying to tear the fat off my bones," Troye had mumbled, ignoring Jacob's flinch at his choice of words, "okay, I'll stop shutting you out."
Jacob had fish mouthed for a minute, looking for the words, before disbelief had clouded his features, "yeah, you say that now, but you'll just find other ways to hide things from me."
Troye had sighed, and scrubbed his hand across the back of his neck. He knew it was his fault Jacob didn't trust him. He'd meant it though. He had known that Jacob is going to leave him either way; he didn't want Jacob to leave because he wasn't trying hard enough. He had known that Jacob is going to get overwhelmed and leave, when he opens up and shows how fucked up he is, but he'd rather that, than to always wonder what would have happened, if he'd just given Jacob a chance.
