ethereal

denial

Shawn and I have a spot. It's down the boardwalk beside the lake, and just off the end of it, in a forest. There's a huge willow tree beside the entrance and we go up there all the time when we just need to be alone, or alone with each other.

The minute I walked into my house after school on a rainy, Monday afternoon, my phone started buzzing. I didn't even look at it, but I knew it was Shawn. I unlocked my phone.

S: Hey.
Amara: Hey... what's going on muffin?
S: We need to talk, can you meet me at our spot in 10?
Amara: Yeah of course
Amara: Are you okay?
S: See you in 10 babe.

I was fine with him leaving me off like that. I thought it was better for him to tell me in person. But just by the way he said it threw me off. I knew something was wrong. I know him. I slipped on some dark grey joggers, a black tee, and my black converse. I grabbed my coat on the way outside and jumped in the car, zooming out of my driveway and down the street.

When I finally got to the beach parking lot, I sped down the boardwalk and into the forest. I saw Shawn in the tree. I climbed up.

"Hey" I say quietly, as I sit down in front of him, with our knees touching. We built a treehouse here when we were in 7th grade, with the help from our dads. It's always been our place.

He stays silent, but looks at me as I sit down and take off my coat. His eyes are puffy and bloodshot red, and his skin is pale, except for his cheeks. They were pink. I looked him in the eyes and took his hands. "Baby why are your hands so cold? What's going on?" I wiped a falling tear from his cheek. He looked at the floor and shook his head slowly.

"I'm so sorry." He muttered. "Why? Why are you sorry what happened? Please talk to me." By this time tears were forming in my eyes, and I couldn't take it any longer. I cupped his chin in my hand and looked him straight in the eyes. "You know I love you right?" He nodded. "And you know I would do anything for you?" He nodded again. "Then please tell me whats going on! You never hide things from me! Why do you start now?" "Amara, you're not getting this. If you were in my position you would be terrified to tell the love of your life this too." He said, with more tears flowing down his cheeks. "Shawn, tell me. Please." I closed my eyes. I was scared of what he would say, but I needed to look at him when he did, so I opened them again.

"I-I, um, I..." He was stuttering and shaking. His words were coming out of his mouth and i was freaking out.

"I'm moving." He finally spit out. My lungs started to drain of all the air that once filled them, only two short seconds ago. I could feel my eyes filling up with tears, and the veins in my heart felt like they were snapping, one by one. I locked my eyes on his hands. As tears, one after the other, started escaping from my eyes. "No, you're not." I denied. "Yes, I am." He closed his eyes and whispered. He sensed that I was about to break down, so he scooted closer to me, letting me collapse into his open embrace. I wrapped my arms around his neck and cried silently. Never wanting to let go.

~

We went back to my house. I made us both hot cocoa and we sat on the couch, watching Christmas movies. It was the beginning of November, but a tradition was to always watch Christmas movies early, since it was our favourite holiday. I teared up at the thought that we might not be spending it together this year, for the first time in 12 years. I saved that thought for later.

When the movie was over. I wrapped my arms around him and looked up at his big, brown eyes. He looked into mine. "Hey" I smiled at his familiar, soft voice. "Hey" I gave him a half smile, not feeling like his anymore. I looked down and then looked back at him. He was still staring at me. "What?" I said, this time with a real smile. "Nothing" He blushed and looked away. "No tell me!" "I'm just so lucky to have the most incredible and beautiful girl in the world." He looked into my eyes, and I looked at the ground. Tears started to form in my eyes, but I fought them back. Shawn noticed.

"Hey, sweetie don't cry. Look at me." I looked at him, and he reassured me. "I am so crazy in love with you, Amara. You, out of 7 billion people, are the only one my heart belongs to. I'm leaving this city in a month, but I am never, ever leaving you. You'll always have me." I smiled at him, pecking him on the lips.

I know I should believe him, and part of me does. The other part of me feels like he's not my Prince Charming anymore. Like he's already left. And I'm never, ever going to see him again. My heart sunk as we turned the tv back on, and he wrapped his arm around me.

~~~~~~~~~