ethereal

still

I looked into the mirror the next morning. My eyes were bloodshot red and puffy, mascara remains under them. I haven't called or texted Shawn once, and he hasn't done the same to me. Last night was so much weight on my shoulders, with him telling me that he wants me to be better without him. I can't. He wants to go off, leave the city, and never come back.

We have been best friends for as long as I can remember. We never used to get into fights, so I would come to him if someone broke up with me, or if I didn't win a soccer tournament, just whenever I needed. a shoulder to cry on. I remember one day in grade 5, a bunch of girls at school were talking about me, and Shawn marched right over to them and told them to stop. He's always there for me, and I feel bad 24/7 because I'm not there as much for him.

Today, of all days I've been staying home, I wanted to get out. I texted Natalie.

Amara: Hey
N: Hey! What's up girly?
Amara: Do you want to go somewhere? Just to get out of the house ya know.
N: Yes! Finally you're saying this, you've been hibernating in there for over a week!
Amara: I know, I know. I'll explain later. Meet at the mall?
N: Of course.

I plugged in my phone to charge, and put on a cute, but simple outfit. Black skinny jeans, a white crocheted short sleeved top, and a denim jacket. I slipped into my white converse, grabbing my keys and my phone as I head out the door, and into the car.

I was so stressed. I know Natalie was my best friend other than Shawn, but he's still my boyfriend, and I refuse to believe the opposite. She's going to try and give me DATING advice, I know she will. But that's not what I need right now. I need real help, help that will be effective on getting my love back. I miss him so much.

I pulled into the mall parking lot, and found a spot right away. I walked in, and saw Natalie sitting in Starbucks, sipping a latte and my favourite drink already sitting in front of her. I smiled to myself and walked over.

"Heyyy" she beamed. "Hey... thanks for getting my drink, I didn't want to wait in that line." I said, smiling. "No problem." "Now tell me what happened between you and Shawn. We aren't gonna start shopping until I know all the little details." She took a sip of her latte, and I started talking about it, trying not to cry halfway through.

When I was done, she was super understanding, and gave me advice as we went about our day. We were in American Eagle and she blurted out, "Amara, if he's willing to make this work, then listen to him. He's just trying to make this better, for the both of you. I promise. I would take that, over nothing. I mean, if you love him."

"Of course I love him. It's hurting so much though to carry through with it. I just want to see him, Nat." I looked down at the floor. "Then let's go," She said, smiling. "What?! Not now! He's probably busy." I started looking at some tops. "He's not busy. Let's just go! You guys are practically married, so it won't matter. Amara, you're still his." With that, we walked out of the store, and took separate cars to Shawn's. I pulled into his driveway for the first time in two weeks. Sighing as I got out of the car. I hesitated as I rang the doorbell, but was relieved when Karen, Shawn's mom opened the door instead.

"Hi sweetie," she smiled. It made me feel better. "Shawn is upstairs in his room." She opened the door a little wider so I could come in, and a walked right up there. Force of habit.

His room was the last one on the right. It had grey walls, a king sized bed, and oak furniture. I peeked inside his semi-closed door, to see him on a stool, facing the window. With his head in his hands. I knocked. His head spin around, and there was such a warm and inviting look on his face. I walked in a little more before he picked me up bridal style and spun me around. "I didn't think you would come, Amara. I missed you so much." I can't believe he was actually happy to see me. He planted kisses all over my face, looking me in the eyes and smiling. "I'm so sorry." He looked at the ground as he set me down on his bed, him sitting beside me. "No Shawn. I'm sorry. I'm not being supportive at all when that's what you need right now. I'm being so selfish, I just don't want to be okay without you. It's going to hurt like hell and I don't know what I'll do with myself. I love you." I looked into his eyes. "I love you." He looked right at me, and kissed me. Moving strands of hair away from my face before doing so. When he pulled away, I swung my legs over his legs, and wrapped my arms around his neck, nuzzling into his chest. I want to spend every single living, waking moment with him that I have. Before he goes. He's still my everything, still my Shawn.

And I refuse to disagree, even when he's gone.

~~~~~~~~~~~

sorry for the short chapter!! gonna update either today again, or tomorrow. tell me what you think?? 😘

-Maya