ethereal

lost

this might get sad ❤️

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I haven't talked to Shawn in a week. I miss him so much, yet I feel like he's slowly slipping away from me, like he's already gone. I've been crying every night for the past week and a half, and hardly leaving the house. I just want my Shawn here. Forever... for good.

It was a Friday night, and as usual, I was doing nothing. I moped around, and then I decided to do something for myself. I was actually going to leave the house!! I looked outside and it was POURING. I sighed, grabbed some movies, popcorn, and cuddled with some pillows on the couch. I wished... ever so dearly, that Shawn would be with me, cuddling, instead of the pillows. I missed his scent, his light brown eyes, his warm embrace. I missed the way he would point out cute things I do, and tell me I'm beautiful. I missed having him around. I missed my everything.

Half way through the movie, I heard a knock at the door. I didn't care what I looked like to whoever it was. I was wearing black leggings, a dark grey sweatshirt, and polka dot slippers. My hair was naturally curly and down, and I wasn't wearing any makeup, other than smudged mascara under my eyes, from crying so much.

I got up and walked slowly to the door. I slowly looked up at the visitor. Without meaning to, I put my hand over my mouth in awe, when I saw that the love of my life was standing on my front porch. I fell into his arms.

"Amara, I missed you so much. These past days have been hell without you, and I haven't stopped crying." He said, his voice was cracking. "Me neither," I sobbed into his chest. He watched the rest of the movie with me as we cuddled on the couch. The movie finally ended and it was dead silent. I looked at the floor and tears filled my eyes.

"I'm so scared."

"What? Baby why? What's wrong"
He cooed.

" I'm scared of everything, Shawn. Without you I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life, what's going to happen to me. I need you here." The tears started flowing down my face.

He held me as close as he could, and started kissing my forehead, and we laced our fingers together. He reassured me as much as possible.

"You're going to be okay, love. I promise you. I promise you're going to find new friends and things to do without me, but you know what? I'm never going to forget you. We're going to make this long distance thing work. I love you so much. I could never leave you."

Then it hit me. What he was saying.

I looked into his eyes and started to back away from him. "How could you say that?" More tears rolled out of my eyes.

"What?" He sat up.

"Shawn do you not get that all I want to do right now is be with you and spend the last moments we have together as well as I can? You're telling me I'm going to be OKAY without you. You know what? I'm not going to be. I love you so so so much. I can't live without you and I don't know what makes you think I can!" I got up and started pacing the room. He got up behind me and started to calm me down.

"Baby, I'm so sorry, look at me. I want you to be okay without me." That hit me even more. My heart was shattering.

"So that's how you feel about me then... you want to be okay without me. You want to go and date another girl and leave me crying over you don't you?"

"No! That's not what I said. Just lis-"

"No, Shawn I get this okay? I'm terrified that I'm going to lose the light that I have held onto for 12 years now, the person who made me so happy, the person that made me want to become a better one. The one that I love, that my WHOLE heart belongs to. And you'll go off, out of this city, without me, and go onto something bigger, and I get that right now, in the moment, I'm the one holding you back from that. I love you too much to let you go." I spat out.

"Honestly, Amara, you know that I feel the exact same way as you. Exact. But this thing is so hard because I thought you would be more understanding."

"What? I'm being understanding, Shawn! Is it that bad that I don't want to lose you?" I stood there in shock.

He walked right outside in the pouring rain, his brown hair getting soaked instantly. I followed him onto the sidewalk.

"Shawn stop! Where are you going? It's pouring! Please just talk to me." I said, trying to compete with the pouring rain. I didn't want him to go, I just couldn't believe he was saying this.

He turned around. "Amara, why does it matter? You're not getting what I'm saying. I don't want you to be in pain! You're crying yourself to sleep every single night, and you're hardly eating. Do you think I want this?!" He screamed at me.

"Do you think I want this? Constantly wondering if you're going to leave me if we do a long distance thing? I hate seeing people I love keep getting taken away from me. I love you Shawn, but honestly now that you've said all this stuff, I don't know if I can trust you when there's 25,000 miles between us." I was balling now, soaking wet.

He came up to me, grabbed my waist, and pulled me in for a long, passionate kiss. It has always been my childhood wish to be kissed in the rain by the one and only boy I love. This was my wish, becoming a reality. He pulled away and moved a curl away from my face.

"I don't want to see you broken."

And with that, he was gone... down the sidewalk, around the corner of my street, and gone. Until school on Monday, that is.

I felt like my whole life was falling apart. Shawn is my whole world, God, he's my whole universe. Losing him would be the worst thing that ever happened to me. His smile lights up the room, and makes me smile. His laugh is contagious.

The way he looks at me when I walked down the stairs on the night of our one year anniversary a few years ago.

~flashback~

I remember I was wearing a red, lace dress and my hair was curled and pinned. I felt like a complete princess, with my prince by my side. We went to this amazing fancy restaurant. I remember this moment so clearly. He knelt down on one knee and opened a little box. He made such a big deal of it... like it was a marriage proposal.

"Amara, I have loved you ever since we were kids. Your smile is the most gorgeous smile I've ever seen, and all of you is just downright beautiful. You're my best friend, my rock, my world, and I couldn't live without you. Take this promise ring as a symbol of our promise. Our promise to always be together, no matter what happens. I love you so much, baby."

By this time I was crying, my makeup that I spent half an hour on was probably smudged all over my face, but I didn't care. I was happy. I nodded and he took out the ring, slipping it onto my finger. It had an infinity sign on it. I'll never forget those words he said to me.

~end of flashback~

I'm gonna miss this.