she's the one i want | clexa {au}

| 10, begin again |

after a long argument on my idea, they finally agreed that an alliance was the right choice. we sent a messenger to the trikru kingdom about a meeting we set up, taking place tomorrow. part of my could wait, the other wanted to not face the girl i thought i trusted.

getting ready for the meeting was easy. we set up bigger tables in the council room so the leaders of each clan could fit. thank the gods for the storage facility. if they agreed to the alliance, there was a welcoming feast the best cookers prepared. i managed to steal some food from there.

the toughest part of it all was waiting. there was an uncomfortable tense feeling in my body, and i couldn't shake it off. my hands were shaking; i didn't know why i was this nervous. i just don't like facing my fears.

but love was weakness, so i had to make sure i showed no vulnerability. i didn't care anyway, why should i? well... maybe i do care. just a little. but why? after everything? and i only knew her for a while. why was i feeling so heavy?

soon enough, they were here. the leaders of each clan filled the room, bowing their head slightly towards me. i nodded back, no expression on my face. lexa came in last. she swallowed and nodded at me, and i reciprocated her action. her tree green eyes looked into my eyes in which seemed like eternity, and then sat down.

i could feel my vulnerability slipping out, but i put my emotionless mask back on my face and sat down. this was going to be difficult.

"leaders of the twelve clans, welcome. i have brought you here today to make you an offer, to execute an idea."

they listened.

"skaikru would like an alliance with the twelve clans."

surprised muttering erupted around the room, and i resisted the urge to smile. lexa looked completely shocked but... hurt. i felt the weight on my shoulders again. part of me wanted to ask her what was wrong, the other, punch her in the face.

the desert clan's commander spoke up, "why? after commander lexa imprisoned you and killed your father, the king?"

my heart weighed even more as i thought of my father, but i made sure it didn't show. "starting a war would be unhealthy for all the clans, even if it was between only mine and commander lexa's. i'm not in favor of starting a fight. with an alliance, the clans don't have to trade, travel, it's your choices. we just need a treaty for no war."

mostly everyone in the room looked impressed. ice nation spoke up, "all in favor, say 'i'"

every member sitting at the table responded, "i."

she spoke again, "all in favor of trade and travel  amongst the skaikru kingdom, say 'i'"

"i." everyone repeated.

i nodded, trying not to smile. "before you all leave, my people made a feast for everyone here, if you would join me?" they smiled and bowed their heads at me when they went to the dining room.

lexa was the last one, she turned and asked, "can i talk with you, commander?" i couldn't tell the expression on her face.

"of course." the nervousness almost crept into my throat.

she looked at me, and she loosened up a little bit. she let her feelings flow, and i saw the sadness in her eyes, the guilt. i tried not to show my anger and even... pity.

"it was brave. creating this alliance."

"i did it for my people."

"as i did when i captured you."

"what good did that do?" i couldn't stop the anger.

she paused.

"the people in the clans argued for your kingdom to be completely wiped out. i disagreed, so they didn't act. they started accusing me as weak, a traitor of my blood. they voted for me to lose my throne. if i didn't capture you in a matter of days, i would have lost my crown. the ice nation's commander, nia, wanted more from your kingdom. so she captured and executed your father. i- never meant for that to happen, clarke."

my throat went dry. "so you were faking to be my friend the whole time? you didn't care? you just needed to be the commander of all clans?"

she looked at her feet. "yes."

"and you still don't care about me?" it slipped off my tongue, my voice sounded sad, desperate. i cussed at myself under my breath.

she looked into my eyes. "in this world, there is no time for caring about others, clarke. only your people."

i nodded and looked at the floor.

"clarke?"

i looked up into lexa's soft eyes. "yes?"

"i'm sorry."

"you're forgiven, commander." i acted as if it was nothing. but her apology meant so much to me. i don't know why.

her lips curved into a small smile. i smiled back. "we should head to dinner now."

lexa nodded. "right. let's go, clarke."

and when she opened the door for me, i couldn't help but feel a familiar feeling in my stomach.