Grey II - Ghosts

Chapter 4 - Stone & Ice

The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.

Gary Jules - Mad World

The drive back to the manor was completely silent. It was hours before Nevaeh even acknowledged me, almost a day before she spoke to me in a full sentence. I knew she wasn't angry with me, but that didn't stop her from acting like I was somehow the enemy. She was a bitch like that. We only stayed at our haunted home long enough to grab what we needed and close it up, warding it against trespassers. It was hard to make myself shield the place against James, against Jordan, but they were no longer welcome, only Nevaeh and I were, only we could call the imposing building home.

That thought alone was daunting. We were alone. We didn't have anyone to turn to because we had never needed anyone before. The realization that we were no longer powerful, but instead weak and unprotected, vulnerable to all the things I had previously never feared was something I wasn't prepared for. I packed up my things numbly, wondering what we were supposed to do now, where we would go, how we would survive.

I watched the fog and frost thaw to a sickly green before brightening outside my train window. The colors mixed together as the world hurtled by. Nevaeh was staring out the window stonily across the cabin from me, and if it weren't for her eyes occasionally tracking some marker on the countryside, she might have looked dead. I wished she would talk to me, but it was like she had gone mute. And so I stared out my little window, too.

The new growth I saw as we traveled south barely lifted my mood, nothing could. The only thing that held me together was necessity. I needed to keep breathing, to keep moving and dragging my thoughts along with my body. If my life had taught me one thing, it was that you always had to persevere, no matter what happened, you could never lie down and take it, never let the world bury you. Only twenty-four hours earlier I had been preparing for our fight with the hunters, and now I was preparing for a new life entirely, wishing I could erase the memories of the last eight years, but that wouldn't defeat me, that wouldn't break me. I would never give up. At least that's what I kept telling myself, kept repeating in my mind.

When I pulled my eyes from the bleeding colors outside, Nevaeh was watching me with her green eyes narrowed.

"You're the fucking leader now. I don't want it."

Her voice was acid, like poison, like her silence had built up malice on her tongue. I'd already known I would be the leader. I wouldn't have let Nevaeh take the position even if she had wanted to, but I was glad I wouldn't need to fight that battle with her. I merely nodded, staring out the window again at the farms whizzing by.

Too many seasons with James had made me hate winter like he did, but even seeing the sunshine outside, even knowing the temperatures were steadily climbing as our train continued along to its destination, I still felt cold inside, cold and hollow. We had at least thirteen hours to go, and we had already been on the train for close to nine, but even thousands of miles, new scenery, new climate, didn't seem far enough from the city and the memories.

I felt sick still, as if the world was warning me of something to come, though I couldn't think of anything worse than my current situation. I wanted to smoke, but the signage was clear and I was too tired to try to find a designated area. Despite my exhaustion, I couldn't seem to sleep, instead, I stared out my window and tried to turn off my mind.

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My life was fucked. Everything, everyone, all my plans, all the prestige I had with James, all the power, pulled out from under me like a fucking trick tablecloth. I couldn't believe what a despicable, disgusting, disgraceful thing he was. He had tricked me worst of all. I had actually wanted him. Wanted a Half, a beast, a demon. What a sick, cruel, disgusting joke. I couldn't believe what he had done to me. He had done it on purpose.