Grey II - Ghosts

Chapter 28 - Cordelia's Burden

Watch me build tolerance,
I don't need any deliverance.
As I recall it was unbearable.
It's all in my head.

In Fear and Faith - The Solitary Life

If I had wanted to talk with Abby about his choice of tutors after I met Levi, after Cordelia I wanted to flip his desk. She was somewhere north in her sixties, with long, gray hair pulled back into a neat plait, her chin held high as if she was a queen, her eyes a dull blue. She gave off an air of nobility, and also a solemnness that made me feel like we were attending a funeral, she was dressed like it too. I wasn't even completely sure what 'tolerance' meant, or what we would be working on, but as soon as I walked into her office, I felt a knot of dread tighten in my stomach.

I hadn't seen Ember since the woods, but Ailech refused to go looking for her, saying he wanted to be with me for this training. The way his face set when he said it didn't help my nerves. I almost hoped Abby would show up with his calming presence, his peace, just so I wouldn't have to feel my Shift bristling in me, telling me I shouldn't be near this woman, shouldn't be walking toward her, shouldn't be sitting across from her. When Ailech closed the door behind him the entire room fell into silence. Only his footsteps crushing the carpet beneath him could be heard, as if her office was soundproof, all the noises of Vault life blotted out by the click of the door's latch.

"Do you know what Abby has asked me to teach you?"

I shook my head. Ailech standing stiffly next to me.

"I am supposed to hurt you, it is my Gift. I can give pain to others just by wishing it upon them. There is no way to block it, no way to stop me. Ailech will be here to assist you if your body gives out, but this is not a lesson for your body, it is for your mind. Pain can cloud judgment, muddy thoughts, break down resolve. My purpose is to make you stronger, make you able to take more and stay sharp, stay in control.

I do not enjoy my Gift, which is why Abraham chose me, but I will not hold back because my ability is a dishonor. You need to learn strength and broaden the threshold of what you can bear, and this is the most humane way to teach you. Though not kind, it is necessary. I apologize for the relationship we must have."

I gave a short nod, not sure how to respond. The woman in front of me looked like a widow, or a somber, formal grandmother. She didn't look like she could hurt me, but I knew looks could be deceiving.

"Please, lie down."

She motioned to a couch. Ailech pulled a chair up to it as I laid down, my heart beating quickly, my Shift still trying to warn me, though now I knew why. I wasn't as afraid anymore, even if my heart didn't seem to get the message. I had been through pain before, more than I cared to remember. Part of me felt like this would be the easiest of my trainings. Pain wasn't something I was unfamiliar with, wasn't something I had to work with, just something I had to endure, and if my life had shown me anything, I was good at enduring.

I still couldn't think of the Serpentine's poison without cringing. Without hearing the chorus of demonic voices in my mind as I was trapped in that hell, arguing if they should take me or let me go, but I had survived it. I had survived death twice before that, and I had survived more pain than I thought was possible. I had survived straining Jevin's blood from my own, survived the withdrawals tearing at my mind, my emotions trying to suffocate me. Even now, every day I fought back the pain of being alone, being rejected, the broken connection between me and my pair. I buried it, blocked it, did whatever I could to survive it. If there was any lesson I had a steady foundation in, it was this one.

I closed my eyes once I settled onto the couch, my jaw tight. I hoped I wouldn't make any noises, show any sign of weakness. I almost hoped it would be like the poison, like being somewhere else. I felt a smile curve my lips as I waited, a part of me looking forward to Cordelia's Gift, to seeing how strong I was, what I was capable of handling. I wanted to have an enemy to fight, even if it was something I couldn't beat, at least I could fight it, tolerate it. After my training with Levi, I desperately wanted to accomplish something.