Grey II - Ghosts

Chapter 35 - The Sandman

I crept into your heart.
You can't make me disappear, 'til I make you. I made myself at home in the cobwebs and the lies. I'm learning all your tricks. I can hurt you from inside.

Digital Daggers - The Devil Within

I didn't want to sleep, in fact I considered calling on Angel names to stay awake all night, going out and training, doing anything so I wouldn't have to lay there with only one wall separating me from James. I could feel the tingle of whatever connection we still had fighting to break through, fighting to be remembered and felt and stoked, to burn brighter and consume me, but I drowned it out as much as I could. I didn't want to feel him, but the itch wasn't why I didn't want to sleep. I didn't want to sleep because I didn't want to dream. I didn't want to wake up screaming and crying and have him hear.

Ailech was across the hall and he often had to wake me, shaking me by the shoulders, telling me it was just a nightmare, that I was safe. He never asked what the worst of my nightmares were of, never even seemed to think of questions like that. He was just there to pull me out of them. But if he heard me from across the hall, I knew James would be able to do the same from next door, and I couldn't imagine the humiliation.

Instead of sleeping or training, I laid in bed staring at the ceiling until close to three, wishing I could will myself out of bed to go find some productive use of my time. I hadn't heard a single noise come from James' room since he entered, so I knew he must still be there. Maybe that's why I couldn't make myself leave. This was safety. I was near him, but I couldn't see him, speak to him. This was the best it could be.

I wondered if he was asleep, or if he was staring at his ceiling like I was at mine. I wondered if he had nightmares like I did. Every time I tried to close my eyes, even just a blink, I saw his thin face and it hurt in strange ways, pulling ways, sore ways. It hurt even more to know I had seen him in the city, but hadn't recognized him, hadn't recognized him because he was something different, not the man I had known. He was only a Darkling now, a Half. A monster. It had taken me a while to realize it, but that was my only explanation for the changes I saw in him. He had given up his humanity. That's why I had been so afraid of him, that's why I had sensed something different about him. I thought it was because he was a Fallen, but it had been James, just the Fallen half of him.

Now all the things Abby had said about him made sense. He had hardened himself, carved out every weakness, which included his humanity, his emotions, his soul. If he had ever had one, I was sure he didn't now and that hurt. Maybe I had hoped he would be the man I had known, and that then maybe we could figure out what had happened, fix things. But the man Abby had made me consider forgiving was dead, and the possibility of reconciliation along with him.

The mix of emotions I felt for him were enough to make me scream. I kept trying to allow the frustration to turn to anger, but it wasn't working. I was frustrated, I was confused, I was overwhelmed, but I couldn't find the anger, just like when I first saw him in Abby's office. I just couldn't find my hate, my rage, the things I thought were permanent parts of me seemed to disappear when I needed them, and only show their ugly faces when I didn't. Maybe that's how hate worked.

I heard my clock tick to four and I was almost ready to get up and find an empty gym when I heard it, a yell from the next room over, the noise ending in a choked way, like his throat had tried to close around the sound. I was out of bed and against the wall a moment later, my ear pressed against the cool wood paneling. I don't know why I cared, why I wanted to listen, it was like a reflex.

I heard his labored breathing, each pull shaky and I knew the feeling. Waking with adrenaline coursing through you, your Shift snapping to be let out. Hands shaking and lungs strained to get the air your body's heightened arousal needed quick enough. Heart pounding like you had just been in a fight, or had run from something terrifying, like death was still on your heels. It was a terrible way to wake, and made falling back asleep impossible, if you even wanted to.