Grey II - Ghosts

Chapter 16 - The Skia

Tell me what your worst fears are, I bet they look a lot like mine.
Tell me what you think about when you can't fall asleep at night.

La Dispute - All Our Bruised Bodies and the Whole Heart Shrinks

When we found the first Skia it was wonderful. It was exactly what I needed. I killed four before I learned the details of what they were and that death wasn't necessary to rob them of their bartered power. I had never believed they really existed, only in books and old ghost stories, but soon it was almost easy to find them. The city was crawling with the soulless men, and women. They were the worst for me. Probably another trait of my brother's that had rubbed off on me over the years.

It was more difficult than I could have ever imagined without him, trying to keep myself in check, keep my nature beneath my humanity, especially with how angry I was. Even if I wouldn't consciously admit it, even if I wouldn't acknowledge the rage outright, I knew it was there, burning me more each day, charring more of me away. Maybe it wouldn't be so hard to control myself if my circumstances were different, but all I knew was it was near impossible to not tear apart every breathing creature that crossed my path.

Despite my desire, I rarely killed once I knew how to strip the Skias of their powers. I was afraid of what would happen if I got into the habit of killing again, on my own. I was afraid I would go back to how I had been, murdering anyone I wanted, anyone on the street who angered me, who frightened me, who challenged me. I didn't want to become something I hated. I didn't want to let my nature control me. Sometimes I wondered if it was controlling James yet, Jordan yet, but those thoughts only made me feel even sicker than I usually did. I told myself they were better than their natures, that they could fight it just like they must have been doing for years. I convinced myself that my brother at least could keep his darkness in check even if he was alone, that he was strong enough.

James, I corrected, not my brother, Gabriel even, but not my brother. My brother would have trusted me, told me. It stung to know he hadn't, to know he had never trusted me, not really. He wasn't my brother. He was just James, or Gabriel. It hurt to think about him like that, so I didn't, as often as I could catch myself I pushed all thoughts of him from my mind. And Jordan, I tried not to think of her either. I had loved James as much as family, Hell, he had been my only family for years, but I didn't know how to feel about him anymore. I had to constantly correct myself when I thought of him as my family, my leader. It was torture. I tried not to think of it, of that night, but I knew he would have wanted me to kill him, and maybe I should have, but I couldn't, not in a million years, not even if he turned out to be as terrible as his nature suggested.

And Jordan, my heart ached thinking of her, the shock on her face, the desperate look in her eyes, like she wanted nothing more than for James to deny what Juda had said, to call him a liar. She looked like an animal that was being held by its throat by the one it trusted, the one it loved. In many ways I suppose that was true. I shouldn't have left her, but I had to, I couldn't be there when she went dark, I couldn't be the one to kill her, just like I couldn't be the one to kill James. I wasn't strong enough, and I was glad.

Even if I had wanted to stay by her side, I had to choose; Nevaeh or Jordan, and in that moment I had chosen my sister. I loved Jordan but I couldn't let Nevaeh be alone, not again, with everyone she held close gone from her. I had to make a decision and I had chosen the weaker one, the one who needed me more. Now I wasn't so sure I had made the right choice. I left because I didn't want to see what would happen to Jordan, couldn't bear it, but Nevaeh was just as bad. It was cruel what the world had done to us, all of us. She made a hiccupping noise from the bed, but I didn't look over.

I tried to close my eyes, but then I just saw my old friends' faces. I was plagued by thoughts of them daily and I often wondered if they were safe, if Jordan was even alive. What if she had killed herself? What if her body was still in that cemetery? I tried not to think of that, to not think of her frozen remains being covered by snow, her sad eyes staring out, not to be found until spring. It made me sick just to think of it, so I didn't. I told myself she was still alive, though then my thoughts just wandered to even darker fates for her; capture, torture, insanity. I wished I didn't care, wished I could think of them as monsters, like Nevaeh did. It would make my life so much easier if I could accept that they were Halflings, if I could convince myself that everything had been a lie and they were truly the awful creatures their blood said they were. But I had watched Jordan grow, seen how hard she tried, how good she seemed to be...and I knew my brother more than anyone else. It was impossible for me to think of either of them as demons, as the horror that Halflings were.