Closeted

Chapter 1

                 1

Ranting and Parties

    By what I could tell, my life was good. My life was fantastic in fact. I have been through so much hard ship in my life and seeing myself finally get better gave me a sense of excitement and fear. Fear that this happiness would not last, because like my mom always told me. “Nothing lasts forever” She told me that after she divorced Dad last year. They always say not to blame yourself for your parents splitting up but how could I not, they didn't even start arguing and fighting all the time until I was diagnosis with anxiety and depression and they found out about the cuts on my thighs and how I gotten them. They didn’t even fight at all, until they realized how fucked up I was. “I am not giving him a pill Nancy! He needs to man up!” I would hear my dad yell in the bedroom to my mom. “Our son is hurt Blaine! And we’re going to do nothing? There’s no other choice!” I heard my mom yell back. Then I remember the constant debate and my dad’s constant request of sending me to some church camp. I laughed at that suggestion. I lost faith in God years ago. And doubt some heavenly man would give me what I need to be happy. I think religion is stupid honestly, just a way for people to deny the fact that when you die. You die. It causes unnecessary wars and that always perplexed me the most. Why would you die for a belief you don’t know is 100% accurate?                                                                                                                 I didn’t mean to get into a whole philosophy. The point was right now; I think that I’m happy. I am not sure what being happy feels like since it’s been years since I last felt it but if happiness is feeling just a little bit of optimism then I think I am. But it just feels like no matter what, no matter how much I think that I maybe happy something deep down tells me, “you’re lying to yourself” It always makes me want to relapse and cry and do what I have done to myself for the past 16 years of my life. Cry and hide and hurt myself until I don’t feel the constant pain. So now I guess I’m not so sure if I am as happy as I just thought I was. I am so confusing, I know. I’m sorry. I guess I am just an unhappy person and will never change. No matter what pill I am on.                                                                                   I know I made my dad seem like a rude and uncaring person but he isn’t. I love my dad, and my mom. I know they always want what’s best for me. When I talked about the divorce my dad said “In life you might find someone and come together or you guys just end up together” I didn’t really understand what he was saying mostly because he was drunk but I think he meant that you either find someone and fall in love or you become so desperate for love and just end up settling for someone. I guess some people think they’re in love just because they’re so anxious and lonely that when someone gives them the smallest amount of attention they go for it, and others actually meet and talk for years and start to notice the little things about the person that are so small most people wouldn’t even care notice and they fall completely in love with that persons thoughts, flaws, and everything in-between.  And they want to spend their whole life finding out everything about the person. But I think that’s the problem, not everything about anybody is completely perfect as we might like to think and when you find out that one thing that makes you think that person wasn’t who you thought they were. The love fades and you leave. Nothing lasts forever.                                                              

...

“Alex?” Julia said.

“Yeah…?” I responded

“Have you ever been to a party?”

I laughed “Do I look like the type of person that goes to parties? Why?”