Closeted

Chapter 7

…

I walked into my dad’s apartment, walking into empty beer cans and clothes scattered everywhere.

“What happened?” I said jokingly

“I… uh I don’t know. Sorry I’ll clean it up.” He said picking up the clothes on the floor.

I decided to help him. It’s been so long since I talked to my dad, like I mean months.

I didn’t know he was drinking so frequently. There were beer cans everywhere and I took notice of all the whine and whiskey on his kitchen counter.

I helped straightening out the place. And when I was done he said thanks and sat down on the couch to turn on the TV.

I can’t believe he didn’t care about why I wanted to stay with him, he didn’t ask about anything the whole car ride or now. Did he forget that he has a son and a daughter?

He spends times with my mom on these secret dates. I keep forgetting about that.

I wanted to ask him about it, I wanted to know if they were planning on getting back together and if the love didn’t fade.

“Are you seeing mom?” I let the words shoot out of my lips and quickly regret it afterwards.

He turned away from the TV screen and looked at me funny.

“What do you mean?” He responded.

“Nevermind” I said trying to forget about it but also really wanting to know more details about their current situation.

“Yes, I have been talking to your mom again.” He said answering my previous question

“Why didn’t you tell me… or Ally?”

“Your mom wanted to just focus on us and bring up you guys later, but we stopped seeing each other.”

“Why?” I felt like I was invading his privacy but at the same time it was my mom and my dad so it was kind of my business.

“She… uh… she said she just wasn’t feeling it anymore and we just can’t… agree” His voice sounded heartbroken.

“Is it my fault?” I really need to learn how to shut up.

“What do you mean Alex?”

“Well, you guys never even fought until I was diagnosed and you found out about everything like being gay, and the self harm and the depression and it just seemed like all the fights included my name.” I said trying to hold back tears. I wanted to be more mature about this, but at the same time I was scared of what he had to say.

“Oh Alex… of course it’s not your fault.” I felt like he was lying.

“We just can’t agree.” He added on. Yeah, you guys can’t agree on what to do with me.

“I don’t want you to feel that way. I told you about this before. Sometimes love just doesn’t last. It fades sometimes and your mother ‘s past love for me just seemed to fade.”

Why is that? Why does love fade? When I am around Nick, everything seems so amazing and great. I have only known Nick for a month, and we have only been talking for three weeks but when I am around him he makes me smile and I feel free and open. That feeling I get being in his arms or having him be in mine just feels so electrifying and I don’t want it to end. I don’t want the startling yet comforting feeling I have about Nick to just end. I am so scared to call what I have for him love because we only known each other for a short period of time and I don’t want to rush things but mainly because it seems as soon as when people put that label of love everything seems to crash and burn afterwards and the last thing I wanted was for Nick and I to be mad at each other or for us to stop talking. My theory about love is that at some point it ends and I am terrified for the end point, everything has an end point. Nothing lasts forever.