Closeted

Chapter 5

We spent the remaining of the day watching Clueless, Mean Girls, and Stuck in Love while eating homemade chocolate chip cookies (with butter this time) and then later just talking about an endless amount of nothing. Julia makes me so happy when I am around her and I love that there are people in my life that could make me feel happiness whenever I just can’t make myself happy alone. I realized how lonely it was to be alone, and how much it would suck to have nobody at all. Everyone deserved someone to vent to or someone to be there for them when times were tough for them. I knew I had Julia for that, but I can’t help but think about the people who didn’t have that and how much I feel bad for them and how much I would love to be there for them. Without Julia I don’t know where I would have been at this point of my life.  

I am changing, everything that has happen this past year has just flown by so fast and has made such an impact on me and I can’t keep up.

Julia leaves and I am left alone smiling at me ceiling because for the first time in a long time I am starting to think about how good I have it and all the times I took it for granted.

…

      I woke up getting ready for the hell that is school. I hated school, I know I mentioned this before but I don’t think anybody really understands. School is actually such a beautiful idea gone wrong. I love learning, I love the idea of learning new and interesting things every day and then testing my newly founded knowledge every now and then but no, the public school system started out as a wonderful idea of learning and teaching the youth for no cost but the system was ruined because of the social pressure, social atmosphere, and just the fact of being social in general that came with it. It isn’t only the social issue, it’s the fact that they give you a new test every week and tests did nothing for me because I always failed tests even when I knew all the material of the unit simply because I just couldn’t concentrate at all. I didn’t understand finals or SAT’s or any of those “major” tests that colleges are suppose to look at. That stupid test grade has no comparison with my abundance of intelligence. I am sorry I was moody that day, or I couldn’t finish reading, fully understanding, and answering twenty five questions in the thirty minutes you give me. The social and academic pressure that school gives is the reason I hate it and the reason the amazing idea of teaching the youth was ruined.

Being a hormonal depressed teenager is enough as it is.

 I did the usual brush my teeth, put on deodorant (which a vast majority of my school seems to forget to do), pick out clothes, and brush my hair.

I grabbed a protein bar and walked out to the bus stop listening to a four song playlist I made with some of the songs that make me happy.

You’re Out of My League by Fitz and the Tantrums

1901 by Phoenix

Punching in A Dream by the Naked and Famous and then following it by

When We Were Young by The Killers

  I walked into the school building looking around at all the cliques and all the groups.

I am going to be more realistic, school isn’t as generic as television shows and movies make it out to be.

There is a popular clique of course. I actually hate calling them popular. When you look at the synonyms for popular you get well-liked and accepted but in reality they are always talked about and most people don’t like them just for the simple fact that they aren’t popular themselves. I hated how everyone at school was so obsessed with the idea of popularity and why they cared so much about that crowd. Honestly yes I wish I had friends and their parties are a blast but the reality of the popular crowd is… they all talk shit about each other.

    I think honestly though they most fun looking and happiest clique were the outsiders. I like to call them the outsiders because of the book The Outsiders.

They were the groups that aren’t complete nerds but are far from being popular. People seem to forget about them and nobody ever talks about them and they are typically really close and connected and open with each other. I always wanted a group of friends like that; I just want to feel like I belong somewhere.

    I walked past Nick’s table. His arm wrapped around Rachel and was with his swim team friends. Joseph was all bruised up and I couldn’t help but let out a small smile knowing that I did that to him. I walk past their table and could practically feel their eyes focused on me. I could feel the tension and the awkwardness. I kept walking and then heard Joseph call out, “Hey Alex!” I kept walking to look like I didn’t hear him.

He called out again and then I walked faster. More people were looking and more attention was being brought onto me. I hated attention; I hated people looking at me knowing they’re making judgments towards me. Joseph got up from the table; I could hear his footsteps getting closer. He called out my name yet again. I wanted to run but I know that would cause even more attention.

He shoved me from behind and I turned around to look at him. His left eye was badly bruised, his lip was still swollen.

“I called your name three times!” He said, his voice was stern and it scared me.

“Sorry I didn’t –“

He interrupted me, “I don’t want to hear your bullshit… wow you’re badly bruised.” He said letting out a laugh. I didn’t get why he was laughing, his bruises were just as bad.

I turned around to walk away and then he grabbed my shoulder and when I turned to look at him, he punched me to the ground.

“Someone needs to put your faggot ass in your place!” He yells.

I was angry; I didn’t understand why he was making such a big deal that I punched him at that party.

I was drunk and high, I’m sorry. (I am not saying I didn’t enjoy it though)

The sly and cocky smile he had afterwards annoyed me. His arrogance was filling up while everyone was staring and noticing that I was the one on the ground and he was the one with the rolled up fist standing. I hated his arrogance, I hated his cocky smile.

I want to punch him, I wanted to lunge at him and knock the arrogance out of him. But I wasn’t high or drunk. I was sober and my normal functional brain told me to just lie on the ground to risk further injury. I was conflicting with myself debating on what to do. I decide to just lay there and let him get his moment. That was until he kicked me adding to my anger. My teeth clenched, my fist rolled up and my nose crinkled. My face was getting red, I could feel my blood flow and my adrenaline was pumping.

His laughed while he was walking away from me got me fuming. “He’s pathetic” I hear him saying to his friends.

His cockiness and arrogance got the best of me. I got up running at full speed until I reach him from behind pushing him to the ground. I threw my backpack and pushed it aside with my foot then I jump top of him sitting on his stomach throwing punch after punch aiming at his face until I could see his blood. The crowed cheers me on but I freak out when I see the blood coming out of his nose. I wanted to keep going, but at the same time I knew he got the message that I was officially done with him being mad at me for no reason. I repeated the words he said to me after his friends attacked me.

“You’re not even worth it.” I said getting up off him and then walking away.

I tried to get away from the crowd and Joseph and get away from all the attention and commotion that was going on. I felt someone grab my shoulder and turned to see Mrs. Alexander.

“Principals office” she said in that strict scary teacher voice.