Closeted

Chapter 14

...

Well I guess its official. I was re-diagnosed with Bipolar instead of depression. My mom is making me see a therapist again which I am still not completely found over. She seems like a nice lady. She has long gorgeous blonde hair and dark brown eyes with indents in her cheeks when she smiles and looks early 30s. She must be very patient since I give one word responses and barely open up about anything.

I guess because I know that it won't work. I know that medication won't work; I know that talking to her won't work. I just won't work that's the problem and nobody seems to understand.

Logan is right, only you can bring yourself happiness but the problem is I don't know how to be happy. Anytime I think I am, I second guess myself.

I walk out of the therapist office and my mom sits up from the chair in the waiting room smiling. I feel bad for her almost; she didn't choose to have a depressed bipolar son. I feel bad that she even has to put up with this. At least Ally is polar opposite from me and totally boastful and full of energy. I don't think my mom could survive having two kids you're scared are going to kill themselves yet alone just one.

"Everything go okay?" My mom asked smiling.

I nod.

The car ride is silent and I check my phone. I desperately want to see Nick. I want to distract myself from everything and he's the only one who has a way of doing that for me.

The problem with loving Nick is that all this has happened so fast and I feel like I just jumped at the first person to give me some type of attention. I'm afraid of being let down and him leaving when I desperately need him. I need Nick; I feel almost at if I didn't go to that party and meet him. I would honestly be dead.

I hope he's okay.

He's still in the hospital being watched still and it's been a week since the accident.

I just want to be alone with him.

I walk into my room and throw myself onto my bed.

"Alex, Julia is at the door!" My mom calls out.

I guess I won't be sleeping.

"Alex!" She says very enthusiastically

"Julia!" I respond sound no where as near enthusiastic.

"Why are you happy?" Julia asks confused.

"Why should I be?"

"Because for one, I'm here! And because Nick left the hospital this morning!"

Why didn't he text me or call? Why am I always one of the last people to find out things?

"He is?"

"Yes! I thought you guys would be hanging out or making out by now!"

 I laugh as a response.

"Lets go watch a movie or something." Julia says smiling.

We go upstairs watching re-runs of American Horror Story even though Julia was on her phone practically the whole time.

I love Julia but the truth was I didn't want to be with her. I wanted to go talk to Nick. Because quite honestly I'm not happy and Nick is the only bit of happiness I get out of life sometimes. It scares me... relying on one single person to make me happy. You can't trust people with that kind of power against you. People leave... I don't want him to leave but I know it will happen. I just know.

"Hey Julia, I'm tired. I'm going to go shower or something then head to bed."

"Alright Alex" She smiles then stares at me.