Lost and out of sight

XIV

XIV
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀
Dear Viktor,

I'm sorry. I feel pathetic. I feel like I'm not good enough anymore. But that's nothing new to me. And you won't get me to therapy. I know that that's what you want.

Why am I even writing this? I don't even know, if I'm honest. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like nothing's going to be alright. I'm stuffed with painkillers already and the fact that I probably won't be able to skate again isn't making anything better. I hate this. I hate myself. I should've just gone with them to eat when they offered it to me.

I've really gotten more into music in the past while. I'd love to skate to Requiem Lacrimosa by Mozart, but I know I'll never be able to. I really love it, I think it's a good song to skate to.

And I'd love to see you skate again. In competition, I mean. Just one more season. I would love to come with you and be able to officially support you, standing by the railing of the rink when you skate and sit beside you at the kiss and cry when you get your scores. I'd really love that.

I'd love to cheer on you when you win a medal again. I'd love to do all of this. Because I love you.

You've become one of the most important people in the world to me, Viktor, nothing will ever change that. And even if you someday should get enough of me and would want to leave me, I'd still love you, because I'd understand. Who'd want to stay with me, anyways? Well, I'm glad you do, I'm glad you want to stay with me.

And even though you're the biggest bachelor of the world, I love you, no matter what.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
"No matter what..." Viktor mumbled as he brought a smile to his face, skating onto the ice as he was announced by the commentator. "Representing Japan, Viktor Nikiforov!"
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
If you should ever skate again, do me the favor and come to team Japan. But not just for me, for Yuuri, too. I know, it wouldn't matter for me, since I'm 'officially' skating for team Russia, but I don't think I'll ever be able to set foot on the ice. At least not for figure skating.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Viktor stood in the middle, glancing over at Yuuri shortly, who gave him a reassuring smile, holding the poodle styled tissue box in his hands. Then Viktor turned his gaze to the ice and waited for the music to start. He had decided to skate to the song that Mikaela had recommended him. Requiem: Lacrimosa by Mozart.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Marie will probably remember which song that is. It was part of a theater performance we did in high school. Oh man, those were fun times. I remember how I fell of the chair during one of the rehearsals. And someone of the theater group had danced with a chair during a dancing scene because there was no one left for him to dance with. That was funny to watch, we even had that scene in the real play in front of the audience, they had their laughs as well.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Viktor gracefully began to skate his program to the song. But everyone watching him knew the difference to the Viktor they've seen before. Those weren't his moves. Those were Mikaelas moves. Those were the moves of the girl he loved. He tried to keep them in remembrance and not let them be forgotten. But nobody would probably forget the breathtaking moves of Mikaela Lewis.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I think I still have the video takes of that play somewhere, or I think Marie has them. Our teachers filmed our performance. So many people of my grade or rather so many friends of ours, too, were there and watched the play. I remember how they would still talk about some embarrassing scenes weeks after the play was long over. Maybe Marie or I will show you those takes. I rather think Marie will show them, I'd probably be too embarrassed.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Viktor performed Mikaelas version of figure skating with grace. The reason why the audience was still unbelievably surprised by his performance, was, that this just wasn't this style of skating. Nobody would've thought that one woman had such a great impact on someone like him.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I would feel so honored to see you skate again in a competition. I remember when I first saw you, I was only fourteen, you were twenty-one. I was watching your performance at the Grand Prix series. I was immediately captivated by your performance and started to watch more and more ice skating. I found other inspirations, like Tanja Szewczenko or Ashley Wagner.

About half a year later I finally got myself to start figure skating myself and I even had a coach straight away, who was glad to finally have someone on her team. She always told me that I was unbelievably talented and that I would make it far. But after my senior debut she left me behind for another skater, so I had to work on my own. Now look where that's got me.

I'm one of the top ranked skaters. Well, I was. I won't be setting foot on the ice anymore, so I'll definitely disappear of the records.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
"Viktor! That was amazing!" Yuuri cheered as Viktor arrived at the sidelines, a smile on his lips, but that smile didn't reach his eyes. "You think so?" He asked Yuuri, as he slid the skate guards over his skates, taking the jacket that Marie held for him. "Of course, that was perfect!" The woman replied with a bright smile, as the three of them headed over to the kiss and cry. Marie had become somewhat of a manager for Viktor.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Marie has a lot of knowledge in figure skating, mostly because I'd talk to her nonstop about it. I once asked her to become my manager, but she said she was too lazy to leave her own house. But nevertheless, she always supported me. She's really the bestest friend one can wish for (yes, I know that isn't a word and I don't care).
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
"And now the scores for Viktor Nikiforov..." Viktor didn't listen anymore. He was too engulfed in his own thoughts. He was somewhat worried that he didn't perform good enough for the sake of Mikaela. He still landed on the first place with his performance and also officially won this competition, but nevertheless, the smile he had on his lips didn't reach his eyes.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I really love you Viktor. You're quite an airhead, I'll give you that, but you're adorable and chaotic at the same time (I'm ignoring your part-time insensitivity). I actually had wished that maybe we'd skate together one day, but that dream is now shattered. Just because of that stupid decision of mine. I'm really sorry.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
"Viktor!" Christophe called out as he approached the silver haired man, after he, Yuuri and Marie had left the kiss and cry. Christophe had again become second here at Skate Canada, he never managed to beat Viktor. But this comeback was just too perfect for Christophe to be able to beat.

Viktor smiled at the blonde "Chris. Sorry for kicking you off of your first place." He laughed along with Christophe, who only waved it off and replied "Now that you're here, I can finally get serious again." They went off together to chat, while the rink then was taken over by the female skaters.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Please continue to do your best during the competitions though. Yuuri will beat your ass anyways in the next Grand Prix series.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
The Russian male smiled as he held his gold medal up, cameras flashing. He kissed the medal and immediately another flash of camera lights went off. With his other hand, Viktor carefully pulled his necklace out — Mikaelas necklace. A snowflake. He kissed the small pendant and closed his eyes, sighing to himself. But then he nevertheless smiled at the audience in front of him.

Probably everyone present noticed the tear that rolled down the Russians cheek, which had escaped out of the corner of his eye. And everyone knew why.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I love you, Viktor. Never forget that.

Yours,

Mika
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Because the woman he loved had left this life.