Diary of a Messed Up Teenager

sodonewithit

Meant to be posted in December

I'm so stressed, again, it was exam week, I'm not exactly worried about it, however, last week I was in PE....

Let me explain, in four words something: I hate physical education.

Of course I cannot simply come up with my teacher "hey I had social trauma since last week's 'event', please let me skip your class".

If I wanted to skip it, I would have a broken leg as for today.

Sadly, a part of me, tiny like a bacteria, wants me to have a good grade in PE.

My dignity died, honestly.

I just hate that whenever I read the schedule and see that PE goes next, I just feel down.

It wasn't like that a few weeks ago. I was indeed awed by the progress I've made. For someone as bad at sports as me, it was quite the achievement to score a goal in hockey or basketball.

It honestly wasn't much. As mentioned in a chapter somewhere before, my classmates are hell of sportaholics. It isn't wrong, it's actually great, I consider myself a drawingholic if those are even words. Back to the point, they're great at what they do, since 15 out of 16 points were made by the other members of the team. Actually, as mentioned before as well, we're not that big of a grade, so eleven students participate in the match, leaving out two who have leg problems.

In any way, I was greatly improving, I knew for a fact, at last I wasn't the last to be chosen for the teams this time. Right?...

I stopped being scared of balls, I could manage to run for the final line without thinking "eh my teammates can do it". I was able to do all the push-ups, the sit-ups, the crunches. At my pace maybe, but I did it.

Until last week.

Monday, yep, the most hated day of the week, ah, where can I even start?

We had PE, but this time it wasn't normal, it was instead a course built up by guys from a military institution.

Maybe where you live you're used to this type of training, but here, in my school in Mexico, it is not.

My classmates were of course excited, anything challenging was like offering a treat to an animal. They got so hype.

I, on the other hand was intimidated, I was glad I thought I could manage to do it, after all I've been improving...

...oh how wrong I was.

When I was told all eight-graders were gonna be with us. That's when I was the most concerned. Not because it was a bunch of 13 people, but for the fact that the first thing that popped up was, "Tiffany is there".

Whatever can I say? For him my conversations were meaningless and he probably senses a bit of awkwardness between us. But I don't. I am a bunch of anxious words and thoughts.

But I wasn't only worried about him, but about everyone else, my classmates had seen how bad I am at sports, I've even heard them say between clenched teeth "oh she's such a bad fuck". Now now, I don't mind that, after all, I know it's true.

I stood up besides my friends, Chii and Misore. That made me a bit calm. Except for the fact they have the physical condition of Jiu-Jitsu (think I spelled it wrong), and 54D, extreme physical training for 54 Days.

Crap I'm stressing in just thinking of the events, I seriously cry every time I think about them.

We started running around the field... But I started to be left behind. They offered help, but I honestly didn't want it...

...I was beat.

It was only the warm-up. What the fuck?!

They traced a route.

I dropped the cones in zigzag.

I couldn't jump the wheel.

I wasn't strong enough to move the ropes.

I couldn't pull on the wheel.

And then...

This fucking green kinda stairs, we had to jump to the other side with them, and then go down.

'Course it was easy. If you're good at it, and heights it's not one of your biggest fears, then it is.

I broke it.

I fucking broke it when I got to the top.

Can you imagine how ashamed I felt? Everyone staring at me?

I know some laughed, I know it.

It's funny to see other people get hit, when it's not you, or maybe you laugh at your own mistakes, that's cool. Well I don't...

Some people asked me if I was okay. I actually was, it didn't hurt physically.

But I got pissed at myself, like all my body had gotten over that tiny point of hope.

I convinced myself, I couldn't be worst.

I was so sensible, I cried the rest of the day. I was so angry at myself from being such a piece of fuck-up. Why the fuck can't you do anything right?

I was internally apprehended, and just laid down in my bus and put music at highest volume. Annoyance getting all of me.

When I got home, however, I pretended nothing had happened, like I have done before.

Like I hadn't done in half a year.

Sadly, I've been pretty sensible about that, and now I can't even do a normal PE class without thinking of that day in which I felt so obese. I feel all faces and convince myself "see, you're not enough, you're never enough."

I actually thought that... by writing this, I would feel less depressed.

Because it came back.

Something is bothering me terribly, aside from my exams and this thing.

I realized that after the word "enough".

What is wrong with me?

Song of the chapter:
"Termina's Demise"
—Rozen Music (on YouTube)

Check it out, it is Zelda related from (the game franchise I've talked about like.... Many times...) Majora's Mask. You may not like this type of music, because it isn't actually a song, it's pretty dark, but for me it's really soothing.

Quote of the chapter:
"Stay determined..."
—Probably the whole Undertale motto

Waiting for their forgiveness,
B.

xx