Believe it or not, nothing happened that night between me and Bailey. The sirens of my radar went off as soon as I closed the bedroom door with Bailey gaping at me, eyes bright. The drinks I had was far too many that the thought of sleeping is much appetizing than making out.
"The bathroom's right there. You can use these clothes to make you comfortable. I'd be sleeping on this side if that's okay with you, or I can sleep on the floor with the mattress, you choose." I had told her. She didn't move instead she sat still on the edge of the bed smiling sweetly at me. "Is there anything you'd want to tell me?" I asked.
"Lana, right?" She said. I should remind myself that she drove us home and I should, in turn, be at least kind to her. She hasn't done anything wrong. I nodded. "Has anybody told you how lovely your eyes are? They look like molten, dark, chocolate." She slowly said. You wouldn't mistake her for the teasing kind when she's not dancing on your lap. I shook my head erasing the nicest memory of the night. Somehow, something made the mood of the night from sweet to sour. I should already be rejoicing that before the night ends, I already have my newest crush on my bed, but that wasn't the case.
"I'm not sure but it feels like there has." Not meaning to but the tone that came from my mouth was a little hostile. I can imagine her cringing in the corner but when I looked at her she was nodding to herself.
"I'm going to take that shower you are offering." She grabbed a towel and opened the bathroom door. When the door shuts, I am ready to kick myself out of the house but I remained still, staring at the ceiling. I am acting like a dick, I know. Dicks would be having a party having a chick of a girl like that in their room. The thought of sleep gave me back my conscience. Maybe she's trying to befriend me or know me better. I should give her some time since she just drove us home.
The bathroom opened revealing Bailey in the big shirt that I gave her and her still wet hair. I turned away so I would not stare.
"Lana, have I done something wrong to you? You seem to have too many angry stares at me tonight. I can go home if you want me to." She sat on the edge of the bed rubbing her hair dry. She didn't sound apologetic. She didn't have to. I was the problem. Not her. I turned again and tried to face her. She looked at me as if expecting a word. I stared at her gathering the courage to speak up.
"I have a problem. I don't think you would understand so I am not sharing it with you." I started. Too judgmental for my ears. "Not that I am saying you can't hear it but anyways, I am blabbering. Never mind. Can we just talk about something else?" I said forgetting about the much-needed sleep.
"Okay. What do you want to talk about?" She asked as she leans back on the headboard looking down at me.
"I don't know. Maybe you can talk about yourself. Make me know you better than what you already let me on." I pulled the blanket over my chin ready to hear the bedtime story.
"My life is not that interesting. How about you tell me about yours?" She bailed out.
"You don't know that. Come on. Unless you wanted to sleep already?" I snickered.
"Okay. Feel free to sleep when you get bored." She warned. I smiled and snuggled closer to her. "I am an only child in our family. I have no siblings but I am not a brat. My parents are Catholic. My mother is a Filipina, while my father is Spanish-American. We are not rich but we are happy. I am working nights as a dancer and studying during the day as I have told you guys earlier. That summarizes my boring life. Are you still awake?" She jokingly asked which put a smile on my face.
"What do you take me for? Of course, I am. It's not boring. It got me more interested. Can you tell me more?" I urged.
"I don't feel comfortable talking about myself especially if you are not my friend yet." She looked funny at me, didn't offend me. "And if you are my friend, you wouldn't be asking those questions for I will be talking about it every time. No questions asked." She giggled and I suddenly felt sleepy.
Slowly my eyes closed and I felt her hand on my head, lulled me to sleep more. Morning came and I found her side of the bed empty. I felt sad. She didn't even say goodbye before leaving. I wonder if Tia is still in the house though. I made my way to the bathroom to freshen up before having breakfast. Amy must be already in her room. I forgot to set the alarm on my phone so I can still make her breakfast. As I make my way to the kitchen, the spicy smell of something cooking hit me in the face.
Tia bumped into me and gave out a surprised sigh. "I was about to call you to breakfast. Bailey made some Paella. I didn't know she knows how to cook." That made me happy. Knowing that she is still here. I walked to the bar in the kitchen and took my seat beside Amy who is already in the middle of a spoonful of the yellow rice.
"You didn't mention last night that you knew how to cook." I accused.
"You didn't ask." She answered and sat beside me.
"I assume that you already met each other, considering that Amy is already eating what you cooked," I said reaching for a plate of food Tia handed me.
"Have you both eaten?" I asked Tia and Bailey.
"Yes. In fact, we also had coffee. We got hungry earlier and Bailey offered to cook breakfast which made it a good timing since I know Amy would be coming home already and will look for food." Tia explained.
"Thanks for being my responsible best friend," I told Tia. "Thanks for the delicious and heavy breakfast." I nodded to Bailey. We met last night but it feels like we are already hanging out for years. She smiled at me and it was great. At least we have cleared the tension that has been there last night.
Upon remembering last night, I can't help but recall my vivid dream. I'm guessing that it is also part of my lost memories. If it is not the last of it,I don't know what else is. I reached for the glass of water laid on my side of the table. The nerves are crashing in again when I see red behind closed eyes.
I opened them and every eye in the room is on me. They are gaping as if I surprised them. I felt cold and realized that the water already spilled on me, wetting the shorts I'm wearing. The broken glass on the floor and I am shivering. On cue, everyone except me was in a panic. Tia was quick on grabbing a rag cloth to wipe the liquid from the floor. Amy was up and with a broom and a dustpan to clean up the shards of glass. Bailey was stuck on the other side of the bar table. I felt like a kid who made a mess and embarrassed myself. With my head bowed down, I felt the trickle of tears that fell on my lap. I felt ashamed but complete. I can remember everything.
Tia was on her feet already reaching for me and escorting me back to the bedroom. Amy was behind us with another glass of water and some pills, must be anti-depressants again. Bailey followed with her eyes. It must be awkward for her being caught up in a panicked situation without knowing why. She left us with privacy as he continued cleaning in the kitchen.
"Drink this," Amy instructed, handing me the glass of water and a pill on the other hand after closing the door behind her.
I shook my head not willing to take the pill. I am not sick. I just got my memories back and it was a shock but I was not depressed anymore. I shook my head again telling no. Tia was seated beside me already rubbing my back but I was no longer crying.
"I remember now. It must be the last part of them." I informed them about the latest memory that came to me.
"Are you sure?" Amy asked with worry etched on her face. "We should call your doctor about this and Julliane as well. They need to know. She said and she was out of my room again.
"What can you remember, Lana? Tell me." Tia urged.
"I think it would be better if you send Bailey home. I'll tell you when you come back. It must be uncomfortable for her being left in the dark and unknown to what had happened a while ago." I said as I lay back down on my bed.
"I'll be right back," Tia said. After a few minutes, I heard a soft knocking on my door. Bailey peeked at me and I gave her a little smile.
"I will just get my things so I can head home." She declared. I nodded and allowed her to get her things and change. "Nice meeting you, Lana. I hope you get well soon." She said before leaving me alone again, closing the door behind her.
If only she knows I am very much well. I just have to take a little while to process everything and every piece. I slept through the time waiting for Tia to come back.
I was awakened by the ringing on my phone. It must have been a good fifteen minutes that I have slept through and Tia is not yet back. Reaching for my phone I answered the call, "Hello."
"Hi Lana, is this a good time to talk?" She said on the other line. It has been a while since we last talk and it seems like years has passed last time I heard her voice or saw her.
"Hi, Rachel. Yes, it is always a good time to talk to you. How are you?" I asked not trying to sound a little awkward. Ever since I got well I always consider the time before my attempt to be the BS. Like before the suicide and the AS which is after of course. From AS, this is the first time that somebody from Blake's family connected with me. The alarm is full blast but I was able to create a good sentence to answer her call.
"How are you, you mean? It has been a long time since I last saw you. I heard from Blake what happened. So, how are you now?" She repeats. So she knew about the breakup. She knew about the hospitalization. Now she's inquiring how I am. How to answer? I assumed I must tell her that I am great. I wouldn't want Blake to know that I had suffered. It must be enough that she learned about my attempt to end my life because of her.
I remembered Bailey. Yes, Bailey. The perfect alibi.
"I'm doing great! My girlfriend just left five minutes ago. She has to go home because she still has classes by noon. I have never been so much better!" I exclaimed. I hope I do not sound so fake. I wouldn't be seeing them again, right? So there's no possibility that I would be caught faking the circumstances. If Blake can get a new girlfriend, why can't I?
"Really, Lana? I hope to meet her soon. When are you going back here? I hope that we are still friends, regardless of yours and Blake's relationship status, right?"
I might have paused for a short time with uncertainty. Are we? Can I afford it?I can always talk freely with her but can I allow myself to be exposed to people like her? I am in my sensitive days. All my emotions are upfront. Am I ready for scrutiny? Am I ready for the great reveal on how really am I? "But...but of course Rache. I will always be here for you regardless. You can always visit me here. Know that you are always welcome." I heartily stammered.
"Same, same. You also know that you can take a vacation and visit us here. Mom would be happy to see you again after your abrupt farewell last time." Rachel fretted.
"That was unnecessary. It would not be nice on my end to still go there, you know? Since Blake and I broke up, I'm off limits there. Not my territory anymore." I responded half joking.
"Well, you have a point there. But I also want you in a secret. You both look like fools. Blake has been down ever since. Why don't you just get back together already? I often catch her staring into space, not regularly eating and was always lonely. I really don't get it with you two." She stressed.
It was unexpected. I don't believe it the first time I heard it. Upon trying to believe it, somehow I felt happy. At least, somehow, I knew she would still care. I also have to remind myself that caring is different from loving.
"You know that we can't get back together. Blake has a new girlfriend. I don't want to be the mistress." I pointed out.
"Technically yes, because you just told me a little while that you also are committed already. That complicates things. Still, you both are foolish for breaking up." She kidded and laughed at the realization.
I reminded her that it was not I who broke up with Blake. It was the other way around. She was silent on the other line. Maybe she just learned about it from me. I was willing to adjust, to forgive Blake back then. I was even embracing the facts and letting the pain go. Blake still pushed me away. I have no choice but to take the only option she gave me.
"I'm sorry," Rachel says softly. She has been a great friend to me back then. I treated her like she was my long lost little sister. I tell her almost everything. She knows how much I have loved her sister. She knows how much I am willing to sacrifice for Blake. "I want to apologize on Blake's behalf.Sometimes, I don't understand her too. But I am not in any position to question her choices. I'm just her little sister." She sympathized, I can only shrug.
"It's also not your fault so you are also not in the right to apologize." I quipped. Another silence.
"Anyways, I just wanted to check on you and hear from you again. Thank you for being true to me. I really hope to see you again if that is a possibility."
"It will be. Graduate, and teach here." I snickered.
"Nice to hear from you, Lana. Have a great day! See you soon." I survived the first wave how do I overcome the second? I can probably start by pursuing Bailey. What do I know about courting?
