Diary of a Loner..

Diary of a Loner.. 13

Dear Diary,

I'm sitting here in the cafe waiting for Scott to arrive. I think I'm reconsidering, maybe it wasn't such a good idea to meet him. What happened last night shouldn't have happened and it can't happen again, ever. What am I thinking, we are only meeting up to talk, last night we both weren't in our right minds and Scott would never intentionally hurt Daniel. 

God where is he? We were supposed to be meeting at half one it's now nearly twenty to two, if he doesn't hurry up I'll be late for work. You can't understand how grateful I am that I'm working today, I'm not ready to face Daniel. It's going to be so hard seeing him and knowing what happened with Scott last night. I will tell him though, even if Scott disagree's I will just have to convince him to let me. I don't think I'll be able to keep it from him, the guilt will slowly kill me.

I'm worried about what Scott has to say, what if he does want to keep it a secret? I know I said I'd convince him to change his mind but that is easier said then done. Scott can be stubborn at times. I can't imagine why he would want to keep quiet though I'm sure he realises that not telling Daniel could hurt him more then telling him from the start. If he ever found out he'd be crushed that we didn't tell him and I know Scott doesn't want to do that to him, he values their friendship too much. Speak of the devil here he comes now. Wish me luck!

Dear Diary,

Scott want's to keep quiet. He wants it to just stay between the two of us, he feels it would only cause a lot of trouble and it wouldn't do Daniel any good to know. I agreed to stay quiet. I don't know why I gave in, the minute he suggested it, no sorry said it, I disagreed. I fought back told him we had to tell him, said that I wouldn't be able to handle knowing. He stopped me in the middle of my rant and told me to calm down, then he started talking to me in a soothing voice. He explained how he knows it'll be hard to deal with the guilt but he doesn't want to hurt Daniel by telling him.  

 This is the part where you expect me to jump in and say "but not telling him will only hurt him more." Well Diary I didn't say that and right now I am wondering why? At the time what Scott was saying seemed to make sense to me. I don't know if it was the fact that his intense green eyes were boring in to me or the look of worry and guilt that was present on his face. I suppose I do agree in some way with him but I'd much rather tell Daniel. I promised Scott that I wouldn't say anything but I really think we need to reconsider I don't know if I can do this. 

Chris even noticed there was something wrong with me at work today. Daniel was no where around but I was still feeling incredibly guilty and nervous. I couldn't explain to Chris what was wrong, because I'm sworn to bloody secrecy! I wish I could have told him. I know that I can trust him and he would be a good person to talk to about it because he's not friends with Daniel and he's had more life experience then me. He's probably been in situations like this or had a friend in one or something. I tried to tell him but the thing is I couldn't bring myself to do it. I had promised Scott to keep my mouth shut and I wasn't capable of breaking that promise before I'd talked to him again. 

Also I just felt so ashamed, that I didn't want to explain it to him. I started feeling all hot and uncomfortable as I tried to form the words in my mouth but ended up telling him it was complicated. By the look in his eyes I knew he was upset that I couldn't bring myself to tell him. I reassured him though, I told him I did trust him but it wasn't  something that I could talk about right now. 

All though I wonder, is it something I can ever talk about? Of course it is because I am telling Daniel, keep that in mind Faye. Ohh Daniel., I met up with him after work at the cafe for some hot chocolate. Ironic isn't it how I was only there a few hours beforehand with his befriend discussing something I couldn' even tell him about. I tried my very best to act like everything was normal but Daniel still noticed that something was wrong with me. He's so attentive, I guess he noticed how fidgety I was and well I barely touched my hot chocolate which is highly unusual for me. 

I could have told him then and there. I should have just come straight out with it and be honest with him but no. Instead I chose to do the opposite. I lied to him. I told him that I wasn't feeling very well, I said "my stomach had been queasy all day long" Now I have another thing to feel guilty about, I lied to him, I have never lied to him before. We have always been so honest with each other in our relationship and here I am lying to him. I am the worlds worst girlfriend. 

I can't do this, I was only with Daniel for what two hours today and I couldn't even keep my guilt under control. How am I supposed to continue keeping this a secret if I can't do a good job of it for two hours? That's it I'm texting Scott and I'm meeting up with him tomorrow. I don't care what he says, we are telling Daniel. We'll tell him tomorrow because the longer we keep quiet about this the worse it will be.