Diary of a Loner..

Diary of a Loner.. 16

Dear Diary,

Today was wonderful. I simply cannot describe how perfect this day has been. It was a wondrous, beautiful, breathtaking day with my beloved Daniel. I know that all sounds extremely cliché but that's what today was, one big romantic cliché.

It seems my little indiscretion is non-existent there was no mention of it today and no signs that Daniel is still thinking about it. I'm glad that it has been forgotten so easily, it is not something I want to dwell on and I think Daniel feels the same way. Like I've said a million times before I'm grateful that he's such an understanding person. He the nicest, friendliest and most compassionate person I have ever met.

I don't know how he can be so easy going all the time. If the tables were turned I would have been extremely upset and betrayed. I wouldn't have broken up with him over it but it would have taken me a few days to cool down and to get my head around it. Also I'd find it hard to trust Daniel completely again.

Which makes me realise, he probably can't trust me 100% anymore especially not with Scott. There will always be that voice at the back of his mind reminding him what happened between us. I'm going to have to be really careful, I don't want Daniel doubting me and I don't want there to be any tension between him and Scott. I don't think I could bear that, it'd kill me if I created a divide in their friendship. I mean like they've been friends for so long. Out of everyone in our little group, Scott is the person Daniel is closest to. I can't take that away from him.

But anyway let's move on to more positive things, I'm sick of dwelling on the negative and worrying so much. I've decided that it's time for me to become more optimistic and to stop letting everything bring me down.

So back to today, we really had an amazing time. We started off the day by heading down to the beach for a morning surf. Yes I know I do suck at surfing but Daniel loves it and today was all about him so of course we went. I must admit though I am improving, I managed to catch plenty of waves today and I successfully stood up and rode the wave in to the shore about four or five times. 

Daniel was extremely proud of me, which then made me smile like a fool and give me a warm fuzzy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I really do love him and I don't understand why, what happened with Scott happened. If I could turn back time and prevent it from happening I would. I regret it completely.

I think I might just keep my distance from Scott. I really like the guy we've become such good friends lately but I'm afraid it'll hurt Daniel and I know he's going to be on edge whenever I spend time with him. It'll be really hard, I've only just gotten close with Scott and I love his company, he always manages to make me laugh no matter what mood I'm in. At this stage I'd consider him a really close friend, i'd be closer with him then with any of the girls. 

I don't want to have to do this but it's for the best, I don't want to risk what I have with Daniel, it's too important to me. I'll still talk to Scott, I'm not going to ignore him or anything but I don't think it'd be wise to spend time with him alone, not anymore. It's not that I don't trust myself with him, or don't trust him with me for that matter, I just think it'd upset Daniel and I can't do that to him, I refuse to do that to him.

Oh god I really need to stop referring back to this whole Scott/Daniel situation. It's done it's over with and I don't want to think about it any more! Except I can't. No matter how hard I try it keeps resurfacing in my mind, it's as if my conscience is punishing me for what I did. I wish I could just forget about it, I have learnt my lesson I'm not going to be so stupid as to let something like that happen again. So why can't I stop thinking about it? 

Even today when I was with Daniel and we were having a wonderful time together, the thought was still there at the back of my mind. I don't know maybe in time I'll forget all about it. At least I hope I do anyway.

My intention when I started writing was to tell you all about my amazing day with Daniel but of course that didn't happen. Instead I told you all about my worries, fears and problems. Nothing new there I guess. Honestly I don't have the energy to write anymore, I'm so drained after today, it was a long day but it was an excellent day. I loved every minute of it, only because I spent it with Daniel.