Diary of a Loner..

Diary of a Loner.. 14

Dear Diary,

It's four o' clock in the morning and I have just woken up from the most horrible dream. It's hard to write my hands are shaking and my breathing is coming fast and hard, I can feel the tears rolling down my face. I don't even know if I want to write this, I'm afraid it will come true if I put it into words. It was so awful. 

I dreamt that we told Daniel. He didn't take it well, he did not take it well at all. In the dream I remember his face turning an unusual shade of red, it frightened me to see such fury coursing through his body. Scott grabbed my hand and pulled me to his side, protecting me. But that only angered Daniel even more. He began to shout abuse at the both of us. In the dream I began to cry, the names that Daniel was calling me were dreadful and the things he was saying just broke my heart. 

I fell to my knees, I couldn't stop crying and the guilt that was washing over me made me feel weak. At this point the dream turned into a full blown nightmare. Scott got really mad when he noticed how much Daniels words were affecting me. He started roaring at Daniel, telling him he was being a bastard. That's when they started fighting. 

All I could see through my blurred vision was two best friends throwing punch after punch at each other. It looked as if they were willing to fight to the death. There was blood gushing from Daniels former perfect nose and there was a sickening crack as his fist came into contact with Scott's beautifully structured jaw. I couldn't take it, my dream self was hysterical. I jumped up and ran towards the boys, they couldn't be fighting over me, I didn't want to be the reason for them to fall out.

So I did something stupid I ran into the middle of the fight only to be knocked out unconscious by swinging fists. That was when I woke up, with tears streaming down my face. 

I'm afraid, no scrap that I am terrified! What if that dream meant something, what if it's a sign telling me to keep quiet. Is that really how Daniel will react, will he be furious? Well I wouldn't blame him for being mad, why should I? What Scott and I did was wrong and we deserve to be punished for it. All though I am hoping he will realise how sorry we are and how it was just a stupid mistake. But that Daniel in my dream was a completely different person. 

He was an angry, unforgiving, violent person. There was no warmth in his eyes, no love in his voice, that wasn't Daniel. Of course it wasn't, Daniel would never react like that because that's not the type of person he is. Daniel, is loving, forgiving, sweet and he's understanding. He understands people and he gives people chances.

So there is no reason why I should be scared about telling him the truth. He is going to understand. I will have hurt him and it kills me inside to know that I've done that. But I'd rather he knew the truth now then to find out some horrible way in a few months time. 

My hands have finally stopped shaking and thankfully my breathing has slowed down, what was I thinking, being afraid to write in my diary. This diary is the only thing that keeps me sane, I can write freely without being judged and it always calms me down. I really needed this, thank you diary, you are a true friend. 

Now I just need to prepare myself for actually telling Daniel, thankfully Scott agreed. I think the guilt was slowly eating away at him too. We're going to do it tomorrow after I finish work. I'm feeling nervous already but I am confident that we're doing the right thing and that Daniel will understand. My dream has slightly put me off the idea but I have to remember that's not Daniel, he would never react that way. 

I'm scared but it's going to be ok, it has to be ok, otherwise I don't know how I will cope.