Overjoyed

Chapter 17 - You go to sleep on your own

I sat on the couch under the covers, texting Dan. Against my better judgement I had given up my room to my mother, since Courtney and I didn’t have a guest room. She had looked so vulnerable lying heaped on the floor, like a wounded bird. I had called my Uncle Damon to come pick her up the following day; I was not prepared to have her stay there. However, there was a lot I still wanted to say to her, so I decided I’d just email in my column and call to say I wouldn’t be coming in to work. Eventually after many sleepless hours, long after Dan had drifted off, in Ohio I found out, sleep finally claimed me.

I woke up to the sun high in the sky, streaming in through the open shades. Courtney was out doing whatever it is that she does and my mom was sitting on the chair across from me. “You still sleep that way, all splayed out, like you did when you were little” she said with a sad smile. I said nothing, instead reached for my phone to read the routine good morning text from Dan. The time seemed to spring at me from the screen, eleven thirty. My deadline was at twelve. “Fuck” I muttered, and jumped up to get my laptop.

 After emailing in my column I made the call to say I wouldn’t be coming in, and was awarded with a patronising comment and disapproving tone from Janet, one of the editors. I gladly ended the call and walked back to the living room, to find my mother still on the same spot I had left her. “Have you eaten?” I asked, biting back the words I wanted to say instead. “No” she admitted. “Can I make you something? Is there anything you shouldn’t be having?” I asked, after all she was sick; I didn’t want to aggravate her condition in any way. She shook her head and I set about toasting some waffles, which she wolfed down as speedily as her weak hands allowed her to.

“How did you find me?” I asked when we had finished eating. “I found your address in Maria’s notebook. I called your work just to be sure” she said. “That was you?” I asked, remembering the strange phone call. “Yes” she said. “I understand Damon and Maria took you in?” she continued when I didn’t speak. “Yes, they raised me Kate” I said, refusing to allow myself to call her Mom.  “I came back for you, a few days later, but the house was cordoned off” she conceded. “Michael’s investigation” I murmured. “I knew what happened to him Eliza. That man, Josef, came looking for me. Told me how he’d snapped my boy’s neck like a twig” she said and I shuddered at her words. “You let it happen. Where were you even, all this time?” I asked. “I drifted. Shelters, bridges, and places you’d rather not want to hear about. I don’t expect you to understand but when your father died, it was like he took me with him. I was nothing but an empty shell. I couldn’t function. I thought the drugs would help, and for a while they did, but it cost me everything I had. But even on the streets I thought about you every day Eliza, still do. Michael too.” She confessed. I snorted. “What about you? Did Maria and Damon do a good job with you?” she continued. “The best” I replied. “They really do love you, your pictures are all over their home” she said wistfully. “They treated me just like their own” I stated. “You’re a journalist?” she asked, drawing the subject away from my childhood. I nodded. “Are you seeing someone?” she probed. I instantly felt at ease at the thought of Dan, “Yeah” I said, a smile unintentionally crossing my lips. “He’s special isn’t he?” she asked, smiling pensively.

I opened up about Dan, and about other things in my life. Although she could never fix the damage she’d done, I had to admit that it felt amazing to be able to talk to my mom. She listened to me in the way only a mother could, even one who was absent for your whole life. She told me about the cancer. She had stage four lung cancer and wasn’t expected to live very long. “That’s why I had to come see you Eliza. I knew you wouldn’t come see me. I needed to tell you I’m sorry, and that I love you baby girl” she had said.