Overjoyed

Chapter 38 - It plagues your mind

I hadn’t slept. It was about three am Sunday morning, and I was in a cab back to Courtney’s place. I’d stayed up all into the early hours of Saturday morning, not being able to sleep, and not daring to go back into the bedroom, the sight of Dan making me want to throw up. Instead, I packed whatever things I had that weren’t in the bedroom and booked my flight back to America online. At five am I took a shower, got my things ready at the door and waited for him to wake up. I paced around the apartment for ages, not being able to do anything. I couldn’t eat, I sure as hell couldn’t sleep and every time the pictures drifted back into my mind I needed to run to the bathroom and be sick. I had kept Dan’s phone with me, and it lay on the kitchen counter, mocking me. I wondered who she was, a friend? A random drunk girl? Perhaps a fan girl who wanted her night with Dan Smith? Well lucky her, she got what she wanted. I chastised myself for trusting him, for believing that he actually loved me. I told myself he was just like Jason, a fucker who thought he could have any girl at the snap of his fingers, but deep down I struggled to believe it. It just hadn’t sunk in yet that I had been so wrong about him. It was still so surreal to think that he’d betrayed me in that way. How was I supposed to wrap my head around the fact that the sweetest, most caring person I knew, who’d given me so much happiness in the months we’d been together had cheated on me? It led me to ask myself the obvious question, was it the first time? Surely if he could do it once, he must have done it before. Thinking about it made my temper flare up and I had the overwhelming urge to break something, anything. I had been numb before, and now I was mad, but I hadn’t been able to cry. I was still too shocked to mourn the loss of our love just yet.

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“Lize?” Dan croaked, walking groggily into the living room where I was sitting on the sofa, staring at nothing. “You’re all packed already? You’re always such a last-minute girl” he said with a little laugh, despite the roaring headache I imagine he must have had. Keeping my eyes averted I calmly said, “I’m going home, Dan.” His toned concerned, he asked, “Why? Did something happen? Is it family?” I gazed up impassively and stated, “You should check your photos” motioning toward where his phone was lying. He scrunched up his forehead in confusion before shuffling over to retrieve his phone.

“Christ,” he breathed when the images appeared before him “these weren’t you…” he mumbled slowly to himself, his fingers running across the hickeys that trailed down his torso. He stood there, momentarily stupefied as he tried to process what he’d just seen. “Lize, I swear to God, I don’t remember any of this” he said, his voice shaky with shock. I laughed, even though it wasn’t funny, “That doesn’t mean you didn’t do it, Dan.” He looked at me with wounded eyes, “I am so sorry, Eliza. Honestly, I don’t know how this happened. Fuck, you know I’d never do this to you on purpose!” he exclaimed, his voice filled with remorse. His apologies did nothing but infuriate me more, standing up to face him, I spat “No, I don’t know that! You did it, regardless of the circumstances!” Dan’s eyes brimmed with tears as he felt the full weight of his actions, “I don’t even know who she is, Lize. I was so drunk, so stupid, fuck. I didn’t mean to hurt you baby, honestly, I…” he stammered. “You did hurt me” I hissed, “and the worst part of it all is you don’t even get to remember whether fucking her was worth it or not.” Dan reached for my arm but I immediately jerked it away. “I’m sorry! Please don’t go, I can’t bear to see you go. I’m so sorry” he pleaded. “It’s over, Dan” I said, feigning strength as I grabbed my bags, “If you have any respect for what we had you won’t follow me, and you won’t contact me.” As I walked out, tears threatening to fall, I heard Dan whisper, “Please. I love you so much, Eliza.” With that, I shut the door and walked out.

Thinking back made my tears blur my vision as I gazed out of the cab window at a bleary, sleeping Detroit. I was back home, but it didn’t feel like it.

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The cab driver didn’t see the car speeding toward us. It all happened so fast that I didn’t register what was happening, even though it came crashing into my side of the cab. Speed. Impact. Blackness.