Sorry

Chapter seven

I told her. I couldn't keep a secret any longer, it was burning up my family.

Literally.

"Ok," I said in a small voice. The silence had been buzzing around the office like an annoying mosquito. "I'll tell you everything."

I looked out the window, my gaze fixed on flowers swaying with the wind.

"It was freshman year. Almost halfway through, maybe December. I went out to the grocery store, because Mom was making mac n' cheese and French onion soup for dinner." I wrinkled my nose. "She had weird ideas of what did and didn't go together.

So I went in, and got elbow pasta, a loaf of Italian bread and a block of Parmesan cheese. When I checked out, there was this guy that rung me up. He was gorgeous, and funny and kind. I stayed at the register and we talked for almost fifteen minutes, before my dad honked the car horn for me. I saw him at the school the next day. He said his name was Aiden, and he had just moved from California." I smiled painfully, remembering him.

"He asked if I would babysit his brother, who was four at the time. I babysat his brother six times before Aiden asked me out. I really liked him. We were together for four months. He told me such wonderful things..."

I got lost in the memory, thinking back to blissful days of kisses and promises we swore to keep.

You're such a liar.

"Go on please, he sounds like a great boy," Sarah Spencer encouraged.

I shook my head, and squeezed my eyes shut.

"No! He'll know I told! He'll come and hurt me again!"

"Again? Heather, please go on. I swear, nobody will come near you. They'll have to get through me first." She sounded like she may actually care.

I was silent before asking, "promise?"

Sarah Spencer nodded. She folded her hands across her chest and said, "Cross my heart."

"Okay. The first four months were perfect, he had all these beautiful ideas for the future, and what would happen when we graduated. I thought he was it. The one." I choked again, trying to hold back more tears. "I kind of loved him, and he said he kind of loved me."

I broke down again, a heaving mess. My doctor waited patiently until I was done before asking me to continue.

"But the fifth month, everything changed. He started wearing different clothes, sometimes it was mismatched, sometimes it was just weird. Like wearing his boxers on his head, or over his pants. He used to do that.  And then I found out why. He was smoking, getting high off his own stash, or he traded the kid with sweaty hands in my biology class for these odd little packets. At first, it wasn't so serious, he was just dressing funny and blurting out mangled sentences. But then... well he got scary." I paused before going on. My gaze became fixed hard on the garden flowers outside.

"Tell me about these packets-" Sarah closed her mouth abruptly when I held up a hand.

Let me finish, finally get rid of this burden.

"He hit me, and called me things, awful things. He hung out with boys that carried knives, and other things. I didn't know him, he wasn't my Aiden anymore. Then one night he went too far. We were eating outside during lunch when he grabbed my hand, and walked me behind the baseball bleachers. He told me what he wanted and I freaked out. I ran away." My eye twitched as I told her.

Sarah Spencer tapped her pencil against her wooden desk. "What did he want to do?"

I ignored her question and continued on with my remembrance.

"That night, my mom told me she was pregnant. I thought she was trying to replace me. I got mad at her. The next day at school, I worked up enough nerve to tell Aiden I wanted to break up. He didn't take it well. I didn't know he was drunk. When I told him, he slapped my face and threatened me. He said something."

"What did he say, sweetheart?"

"He said I was his, forever, that I better say sorry or I had something coming. And... and if I ever told someone, he would kill me."

I hardened my eyes on the flower outside. It was a yellow tulip.

"So we stayed together. I was his toy, a spare part that was useless but fun to mess with. At home preparations were being made for the new baby. My replacement. I resented my mom and I resented that baby. Aiden was telling me stuff, stuff I don't want to repeat. So I went home one night, took the scissors out of my desk and made a slash. Just a little one, on my hip. For the word he had called me only hours before. And it felt good. I though maybe if I made a slash for every word he had called me that day then I would feel better. So I did. I made eight slashes the first night. I kept doing it, but soon it didn't help. So I thought about other ways I could feel better.

At school, Aiden has gotten mad at me. And he told me to die. And it was kind of like a lightbulb moment, you know? Death. It meant solidarity, painless. Emotionless. It sounded wonderful. So I swallowed the pills, tied the knot, even held the knife once. But it never worked. That's when I lit the match."

"Why was Aiden mad at you?"

"I don't know," I said after a moment.

Please don't ask again.

I turned away from the swaying flowers and forced myself to look at the surprise stricken face of Sarah Spencer. She reached out and put a comforting hand on my arm.

"Oh honey."

I swatted her hand away.

"I'd like to leave now," I said quietly.

I don't need your pity.

I left the doctor's wing of Paisley Lake with a churning stomach, throbbing head and a horrible feeling that I was in danger.

******
Hello all! Just wanted to say thanks for reading this far, and I'd like to dedicate this chapter to @Gigglesz23 you've been amazing with all your comments. Thanks

-Gwen