Sorry

Chapter Ten

My day started crappy.

Like usual.

I had sat with Gwendolyn for hours last night, listening to story after story after story. It sounded like her sister had been a cool little girl. I felt sorry for her.

We are not so different.

I had gotten to bed late, and woke up with a pounding headache. Then I remember it was family therapy day.

Kill me.

I skipped breakfast, unable to see Madeline. Or Gwendolyn. I couldn't look her in the face after telling her about my sins so openly. Instead, I locked myself in my room and prayed for death to come in some way. My hope for my own death had become so regular, so normal, that the idea of it didn't bring the fresh feeling of happiness anymore. Like it usually did. My feeling of happiness had disappeared once again.

Oh no.

The idea of dying didn't bring the zing anymore.

Soon... it's too much.

It was tearing me up inside. I was numb again.

I want to feel.

My revelation had brought a new wave of terrible thoughts, all aimed towards the baby that had never lived and my mother.

Damn you, Aiden.

I sat, revealing in my own stupefied thoughts, until a knock brought me out of my daze.

"Heather? Open the door, Dr. Spencer is waiting for you downstairs."

It was a nurse, her voice brisk and flat. I stood, practically floating and opened the door. The nurse and I didn't talk, not until she stopped outside Sarah Spencer's office and motioned with her hand.

"Don't be scared, go in," she said. So I did.

My aunt sat on the couch, her hands clutching each other so tightly, her knuckles were white. I couldn't bring myself to look at her face. Instead, I went over to the window. My stool, which had been there previously everyday I had entered Sarah Spencer's office, was gone.

"Where is it?" I demanded. "Where did you take it?"

"Take what?" Sarah Spencer's voice was calm and cool.

"You know what. My stool."

"I thought you would sit on one of the chairs today." She was just as firm as I was.

"I don't want to sit on a chair, I want to sit on the stool." My voice got higher, angrier. More pathetic.

Why does a stupid stool matter? Because it just does.

I crossed my arms.

"I won't sit until I have my stool."

"Heather, just sit down. The stool is broken and I don't want you to fall off. Sit in a chair."

I stubbornly refused to move. I glanced at the window, and saw the window shade drawn closed still. A hard knot tightened in my chest. This therapy thing was off to a bad start. The seconds ticked by, and I began to sweat.

"Fine," I relented softly and plopped down in a felt recliner. It felt wrong.

"Good. I think your aunt has some things to say."

I didn't look at her, even though she began to talk.

"I feel awful Heather. Honestly, I do. I shouldn't have gotten angry, or called you a child. It was wrong, I'm sorry."

I didn't say anything, although I desperately wanted to. I squirmed in the brown recliner.

Yeah it was wrong, glad to hear you're sorry. I am too. I'm sorry you ever had to deal with me.

"I know," I said finally. "I just... It's really hard."

Sarah Spencer leaned forward.

"What's hard sweetie?"

"I miss my mom." The words tumbled from my lips before I could clamp them shut. That may have been the truest thing I confessed to Sarah Spencer.

My aunt stood, and worked her way next to me.

"I miss her too, Heather. God, I miss her so much. But you know what? There is so much of her in you, so much. You two are exactly alike."

I wasn't sure when I started crying, but I did.

You big baby.

"Heather, I have an idea."

We both looked towards Sarah Spencer. She was looking at us from her desk, the faintest of smiles in her eyes.

"Now, it's a bit unorthodox and will require my utmost trust and your cooperation. If you can promise me that you won't do anything you may regret, and you'll check in daily, I think we can let you go home for a week. Just a week, and we'll see how it goes. It might be a good chance to feel better, fall back in sync with your family. I think it could be an incredible healing process."

My aunt was silent. The recliner felt like it was squeezing the life out of me.

"Oh my god, that would be amazing." Her voice broke.

In a matter of twenty minutes, and twenty signatures later, I was sent packing, then to my aunt's car, and I was back home. Nothing had ever been so surreal.

I looked for Gwendolyn before we left, but couldn't find her. I didn't look for Madeline.

I'll miss you, thank you for being my friend.

Everything was so rushed, so paralysing. I didn't know what to think. But eventually, it dawned on me.

I can try to be happy, this can be my second chance. I'm going to prove I can be okay.

But I knew that promise would be short lived.

It was the day I returned to school to get my missing work, ignoring the stares and whispers. It was like traveling back in time. Except I didn't bump into a nice senior boy this time. I did, in fact run into someone, spilling my textbooks around his feet.

I looked up to say sorry, but stopped short. His blonde hair was cut short now, framing his dazzling blue eyes. I found myself yearning for him again.

Stop it. You hate him.

"Aiden," I whispered. He smiled, a soft thing that made myself wish for his lips on mine, the taste of him on my mouth.

Damnit.

"Hey Heather. Long time no see."