as quiet as a fire

١٩ / a moment of truth

hi, it took me more courage than you know to post this, but for some reason i felt like i wanted to.
this is the most personal and truest piece i've ever written. i hope it can help you get a glimpse of what it's like to be trapped inside my body.
enjoy.
;

but i tried. i swear i tried. i tried convincing myself all those whispers i would hear in the school hallway whenever someone saw me weren't true, that the slurs my mom would call me every time she refused to take her pills were nothing but moments of anger and blurred thinking, that my dad calling me an attention seeker when finding out my arms have been crying blood for a while was just a nightmare. i tried telling my reflection that her cousin calling her fat every fucking time she got the chance to see her didn't mean anything. i tried believing my voice wasn't as unbearable and annoying as much as this one relative once told me five fucking times in front of my whole family a few years back, and that me deciding i had to minimize my talking afterwards was wrong. i tried taking the thought that everyone at school only loves me when i get good marks –while some others despise me for that– out of my head. i tried forgetting him leaving for fifteen days, her writing a suicide note... the blood on her face, the tears in his eyes, the huge knife she once kept with her inside her room –waiting for him to come home. i tried forgetting waking up in the middle of night to find her attempting to close her eyes forever, i tried clearing my mind from the person who told me they knew me better than anyone else because apparently we were best friends back then, but as soon as i fell they were immediately out of my sight since i 'barely even spoke anymore'. i tried telling myself that he didn't mean it when he called me a bitch who hated her life everytime her mom yelled at her; he didn't know shit. i tried convincing myself i wasn't a bad person for being the only one who didn't go see her for one last time in the hospital before she was gone forever. i tried believing i did nothing wrong when i destroyed a soul in seconds, because according to myself, i was just putting my mental health and happiness first at the moment. i tried telling myself she was kidding when she wished for my biggest secret to be out – for me to be officially dead. i tried my absolute fucking best to forget the cruel way they spoke about me, how it felt so easy for them to throw me into hell over and over again. but i couldn't. this one really hurt, it still hurts no matter how much i try to shake it away. i tried convincing myself i didn't deserve all of this. i tried to get all those images out of my memory, to shut out all those voices, to believe i didn't deserve to die like some said. i tried telling myself i wasn't that monster they all portrayed me to be at some point in their lives –though i was. but i tried. i swear i tried. and i'm trying, i'm still trying... i'm still trying.