Himitsu (Book One of the Kakureta Hana series)

XI: Ju Ichi

I am bathing, submerged beneath the water, the only moment when I am truly able to release everything from myself. It reminds me of when my mother would sit behind me and wash my hair, fingers massaging my scalp as she whispered how beautiful I was.

I know that despite the fact that I saved Shigeru's men, the men he abandoned, I will likely be called before our shogun to answer for my actions especially with the letters that I have sent. Right now though, I would rather focus upon the bliss of hot water easing my sore body and ignore the fact that my general will pester me soon.

Shifting slightly, the barely-closed wound in my side stings, and I wish again that Ryuu had not seen that man sweep his katana across my lower ribs. How do you explain to someone who believes you to be male that you cannot see a healer because it will reveal what you truly are?

There is no way, and there lies my problem. To tell the truth now will divide the clan between those who understand we need a leader, a strong one, regardless of their gender and those who refuse to follow a woman despite the fact she has proven her worth over and over.

"Lord Jun," my general says a moment before the door opens to reveal him. The blood and dirt that had accumulated over the past weeks has already been washed away, and the noticeably missing beard reminds me of another one of my downfalls.

Suddenly self-conscious, even though Ryuu has talked to me many a time while I was bathing, I sink lower into the water and eye him. The silence is starting to turn stale in the air as each of us waits for the other to speak.

"I know you didn't have that wound treated, Jun," he scolds, face set into a scowl. "You understand the consequences of leaving a wound untreated especially after being on the battlefield, so I did not expect to be having this conversation with you."

"I'm not going to see a healer."

He sighs, running a hand across his face. The only sign of weariness that I see appear is within his amber eyes. "If you refuse to see a healer, I insist upon looking at the wound myself. You may not think it to be serious, but if there's any sign that it will endanger your life, I will drag you to a healer myself."

I bite my lip, trying to figure out how to talk my way out of this one. I doubt I stand much of a chance though from the stubborn look Ryuu is giving me.

Closing my eyes, I whisper, "I will not be seeing a healer, Ryuu, nor will I allow you to look at the wound. That is my decision, and if you have trust in me, you will allow me this."

My general's footsteps come closer to me, and I flinch when his hand closes around my arm. "That was no mere scratch he dealt you, Junichi. Cast me out, have me killed, strip my title from me; I will look at that wound before I leave this room."

I allow my eyes to open, only to return his glare as he crouches next to the tub. Twisting my arm, I try to break his hold, but he refuses to let me, increasing the pressure on my wrist.

"I told you no!" I hiss through clenched teeth, hoping that he doesn't bodily attempt to force me out. My eyes start to sting with tears, "worthless wastes of water" as my father used to call it whenever I would consider weeping.

Ryuu's jaw clenches slightly, but he doesn't say a word, continuing to pin me both with his gaze and his hold on my arm.

"You have no right," I manage after the silence squashes all the air in the room once more. "You have no right to come in here and force me to show you what is merely a cut in my flesh. For now, I am lord of this clan, and you are under my command. If you were any other man, I would have already made sure that you remembered your place."