Come Away To The Water

Chapter 14 : Flickers

My reflection in the mirror stares back at me as tears form unwanted in my left eye. It's turned various shades of black, blue, and purple in the days that have passed since I first received the exceedingly painful blow to the face that caused it. Looking at myself, looking like this, makes me want to shatter every mirror in this house. I blame myself more than anyone. How could I let someone do this to me? Why didn't I fight back? Shouldn't I be fighting? It's who I am at my very core and yet it seems the more pain I endure the more passive I become. My fear shuts me down. Fear of my rebellious actions and the fear that the consequences of those actions will be taken out on those I love. My other eye starts to fill with tears as well, this time out of frustration rather than physical pain. That's when I hear a sound behind me, a creak of a door. I see Peeta behind me in the mirror and Immediately duck to cover my face so I can wipe the tears away. "Fuck!" I mutter, desperately wiping at both my swollen and regular eyes to get the evidence of my weakness out of sight. "I'm sorry!" Peeta rushes to apologize, instantly regretting his entry into my home without my permission. "It's fine. I just didn't realize you were here." I wipe my eyes one last time then turn to face him. I can see the change in his face when he looks at my bruised eye, the mingle of anger and pity. "Please don't feel bad for me. I don't need any of your pity, okay? I'm fine. Just a little bruised up." Peeta scrunches his nose up briefly, but he doesn't argue. I worry that he's hurt by the harshness in my tone, but then I realize that he deals with my being stubborn and argumentative everyday. Peeta's far stronger than anyone would ever realize. I even find myself forgetting sometimes. I think maybe it's his kindness that people perceive as weakness, but it's not a weakness at all. Peeta is one of the few people who is capable of being both fragile and strong, kind and protective. He's a better person because of it. It makes me wonder why he puts up with me in the first place. "I know you don't want my pity, Katniss, but I do wish there was something I could do to help. Have you tried any kind of medicine or anything?" He asks and I shake my head. "You think I'd let Prim see me like this?" She'd have nightmares for weeks after one look at my face. "How about if we try some cool water? That might be soothing." What'd really be soothing would be a nice long drink of one of those fancy capitol liquors, or any kind of alcohol, but lately I haven't felt the need to keep any around the house. So instead, I let Peeta sit beside me on my very large and rarely slept in bed and apply a cold rag to my damaged eye.

He dabs at it gently, then pulls the rag back to have a look at it. I can tell the swelling has gone down some and it's been soothed by the water at least enough to ease some of my pain. "How's it look doctor? Still ugly as ever?" I question, turning my head to the side to look at Peeta. He doesn't seem very amused by my joking tone, but he gives me a courtesy laugh anyway. "No. I think you look radiant, Ms. Everdeen." He compliments and I feel my cheeks burn with blush. I look away, flustered at the unexpected sweetness of his words. "You don't look too bad yourself." I say, but I don't look back at him, I keep my eyes down. "I know this doesn't mean much under the circumstances but I just wanted to say it anyway." Peeta says, making me turn to face him. "You're the strongest, bravest, and most beautiful woman I know. I love you." I stare into his blue eyes, unsure how to react. Instead of freezing up, I don't speak, I act. I lean in and kiss him, slow and cautiously. He doesn't stop me as I feared, he kisses me back with the same gentle passion burning inside me. My hands glide up his arms, feeling the softness of his skin and the hardened muscles beneath, then resting at his shoulders. I tilt my head back, breaking our kiss, and Peeta's stunned eyes open to meet mine. There's a short pause between us. I can see the worry in his face, fear that he's done something wrong. I shake my head as an answer to his unspoken question. "I love you." I say quietly, taking a shallow shaky breath. I've never said those words to anyone other than Prim and my mother. I've told my father as well, but the memory of him is fading with time. It's true, I realize, as I say it. Peeta is the only person besides my family that I'm certain I love. There's no longer any doubt in my mind whether I am capable enough, or good enough, or strong enough. Loving Peeta is as easy as breathing, he makes me feel brand new, my love for him makes me stronger. All my fears vanish when he's near. He makes me want a future I never dreamed would be possible, one where we could live together with no fear. He's my home. His arms, his warmth, his smile, it's home to me. It's my focal point when it all becomes too much. Unlike Primrose and my mother I do not have to hide from him. I don't have to hide my darkness, he embraces it and me with open arms. He's my equal. I feel flickers of desire, sparks pulsating in me like a wildfire coming to life.