Come Away To The Water

Chapter 10 : Neptune

On all of my off days from my work in the Capitol, the days I spend at home in District 12, Peeta visits me. It's become routine now, normal. I've learned to expect his company and grown to enjoy it immensely. Our companionship is not one created based on our need for survival like Gale's and I's friendship, but one entirely based on choice. Peeta and I do not need each other to survive. We would get by just fine without each other, but we choose not to. We chose each other as friends based only on our fondness of each other and a desire to be in each others company. It is a relationship that to me is far more meaningful than the relationship Gale and I once had. I've never been one for friendship. I've always been a loner, but Peeta makes me feel like someone who's easy to be friends with. He makes it seem like the most simple thing in the world to be by my side while we do mostly meaningless tasks, together in comfortable quiet, even though I know it's far from easy being my friend. His desire to have me in his life has made him a social outcast just as much as me now and I know that hasn't been easy on him. Unlike me, Peeta actually did have many other friends before me. He's lost them all because of me. His family too looks at him differently because of me. Worst of all I know that Snow will have him under secure watch because of me as well. Any slip up on my part could cause Peeta his life. He's making the ultimate sacrifice to be with me and he doesn't even know it. I watch him in silence as he paints a beautiful portrait on an easel as we sit together in my living room, thinking of how grateful I am for his company. He's risking so much to be here with me, I just hope someday I will find a way to make it worth it. The picture he paints is of the ocean, something he's only seen in pictures. He somehow gets it right, almost impossibly so. "You paint so vividly. It's almost scary how real it looks." I state, looking at the painting in awe. A small, shy, smile appears on his lips, as he glances over at me. "Really? I was just going off what I've seen in pictures and the things you've told me of the ocean." I nod, giving him an encouraging smile. I remember clearly how we started our day, sharing a cup of tea as I described my memory of the sea to him. I've only been once as a perk of my victory tour to district 4. Most of the information I know has been obtained from Finnick, not from my personal experience, but I don't tell that to Peeta. I find it's best to keep my information on other victors to myself unless prompted to share. "I think I'd like to visit someday. If I ever got the chance. I know it's a bit of a far out dream to have, but I like to imagine myself someday getting to travel to the other districts and see all the different landscapes they have. I think it'd inspire my paintings to be even more realistic." Peeta says, not looking at me, but at the painting. It's interesting to me to hear the things he thinks about, but also saddening. I know that no matter what we wish for the sad reality is that most of Peeta's hopes for the future could never come true. Not under the repressed government in which we are ruled by now. Regular citizens just don't have the kind of freedom Capitol citizens and victors are offered. Of course the victors ability to travel and experience luxuries offered by the Capitol come with a price and an expensive one at that, but we get chances that will never be attained by someone who in my opinion is far more deserving like Peeta. As he's working away on his paining, I rest my head on the edge of the couch and lay down, curling up my legs so he has space to sit at my feet. I yawn, covering my mouth with both hands, as my eyes begin to feel heavy. I'm determined to stay awake to watch him complete the picture, even if it takes all night. Instead of allowing myself to slip under, I focus my attention on Peetas face. His blue eyes match the color of paint he's using at the moment. A gorgeous shade of ocean blue. His eyelashes are long. They are so long they must tangle when he blinks. It'd be impossible for them not to. It's hard to see them normally because of how light they are in color, the same as his golden-toned hair. They're only made visible by the sunlight still coming in through the window in the early evening hours. I wonder how I've never noticed them before now. They bring even more of an innocent appeal to his facial features. It reminds me of the depictions of angels I've seen in religious art prevalent in the Capitol. In times like these, times I truly feel at peace, make me wish I could tell Peeta everything. I wish I could pour out all the secrets I've kept inside, just for once, rather than only being able to offer him variations of the truth. I wish I had more to give him. I wish so much that I could be a normal, safe, healthy option for him, but I can't change who I am or the darkness that accompanies me at all times. Sometimes I feel as though he has feelings for me that go beyond friendship, and deep down I wonder if I could feel the same, if I'm even capable of such an emotion. As I drift to sleep, I think that I want to be. I just don't know how. When I wake hours later, in the early hours of the morning, I wake feeling the sincerest happiness, and I know that I feel that way because of Peeta.