Come Away To The Water

Chapter 16 : Girl On Fire

Peeta and I sit across from each other at my dining room table, eating dinner just like any ordinary night. But this is no ordinary night. We are on the brink of change. He can feel it just as well as I can. Outside our window the world is changing, every second we have together is precious. At any time our fragile system of government could collapse. It would crumble at my hands, I know. This doesn't change how Peeta feels about me. It should, but it doesn't. He loves me not in spite of my rebellious spirit and defiant personality, he loves me because of it. The fire I hold inside is the very thing that drew him to me in the first place. It has always been there deep inside, even when we were children. I suppose I was always attracted to his goodness, his pureness of heart even in our twisted version of what life can be. Through all the hardships we have experienced he has remained just as good deep down as always. Things that have turned me cold and distant do not harden him at all. There is strength in kindness, in his optimism. I admire his strength more than any of his good traits. He is the strongest person I know. In the short amount of time we've spent together we've grown close, closer than I ever imagined I could be with another human. Somehow the intimacy between us doesn't frighten me, I welcome it. We talk and laugh all through dinner, somehow we find simple things to laugh at even with all the chaos around us. He sleeps in the master bedroom with me, in my large and expensive bed. I haven't shared a bed with anyone other than my mother and Prim. It took a while to get used to having him here, in my bed, but it seemed silly to make him sleep on the couch every night he stays over. We sleep on opposing ends, keeping a safe distance. Some nights he falls asleep before me and I find myself gazing at him as he sleeps soundly beside me. We never touch, never hold each other, not at night. But tonight I find myself reaching for him. I shakily take hold of his hand and he turns to me in shock. I squeeze his hand. He has such beautiful hands. So warm and strong and safe. "Peeta." I murmur his name, laying on my side to face him. "Yes?" I look down at our hands as they hold each other tightly, then back up to his eyes. "Come closer." He scoots a few inches closer to me, but still stays a safe distance away. "How much closer?" He asks and instead of directing him with words I pull him into the spot where I want him, right next to me. I lean in towards his face until we're cheek to cheek. I can feel his eyelashes bat against my skin. I drop his hand and instead bring mine up to stroke his hair, then his jawline. "Kiss me." I tell him and he does. His lips are soft against mine, harmless, gentle. My heart races, sending shivers down my spine. I never understood the point of kissing before him. I found it hard to imagine it could be pleasurable rather than just a meaningless display of affection. With him it's more than pleasurable, it feels like a necessity. His lips are my morphine and I am a hopeless addict. I drag my hand down to his shoulder, then over the hard muscles of his arm. I take his hand in mine again. My leg falls over his, holding him there in his place. Warmth burns in my core, setting my body ablaze. The acts forced upon me in the Capital took away every once of innocence I had after the games, the things those monstrous people did to me made my body feel as though it was no longer mine. I felt disconnected from all bodily feelings other than the pain of them forcing themselves on me. It gave me a twisted view of sex, made me feel as though it would never be about me and my feelings. It would always be a business transaction, something bought and sold, no consent required. I thought I would never want to do anything sexual ever again, not if I had any say over it. I thought wrong. For the first time in my life I can see how sex can be a positive thing. Not just for creating children or used as a bargaining chip to keep my family safe from harm. Sex can be whatever I want it to be. I can choose how I want it or if I want it at all. I can make my own decisions for my own pleasure, not for anyone else. I lay with Peeta's body pinned beneath my legs and I feel his warmth burning into mine, I never want this feeling to end. I crave it somewhere deep down and unfamiliar. It's unknown, but in a way that makes me excited to explore. "Peeta, will you let me try something? We can stop anytime you want if you don't like it." I look into his deep blue eyes, unable to continue without his consent. This must be his choice as much as mine. "Just tell me what to do." He whispers and I smile. "Take your pants off." I say and he smiles too. He undresses quickly, keeping up with my erratic pace. It's a little awkward as we get ourselves situated, but I'm experienced enough to figure it out with little assistance from him. I hold onto his shoulders as I sit on top of him. Strangely, I don't feel uncomfortable at all being naked in front of Peeta, In a way I feel like I've always been naked around him. It just seems we've always had an unexplained connection, something deep in our souls. I don't see my openness with him as vulnerability, it's the complete opposite. Desire implodes inside me, setting me ablaze. I feel free for the first time, entirely liberated from the strangle hold I've been put in every day of my life under our corrupt government. With him I truly feel like a girl on fire.